I've been on a "Counting Crows Kick" for the past week, not sure why, I downloaded a bunch of their stuff and I keep listening to em. I suppose this kick has been pushed into place because of 94.9 playing "Round here" a lot lately.
That has nothing to do with this blog but whatever. Hm smells like charcoal outside :) and the sky looks wicked awesome right now, despite the low number of stars visible.. it looks so neat all dark and stuff lol. If i could I'd sleep outside, but it rained on our furniture outside :(...
okay.. on to my point of the bloggage..
I just finished watching "The Mist" (Based off of Stephen King Novel). Interesting, though most of his works are. Anyway, the end was rather tragic, here's a little break down of the plot, and whats causing me to write the blog:
Huge storm, tree busts window in an artists house. After storm they notice a mist on the lake... but ignore it. He tells his wife he'll go to store and get supplies to fix window, does with his son and neighbor. While shopping, mist spreads. Lock down in store. Monsters in the mist. Crazy 'jim jones--im a prophet' lady convinces people its god's wrath and many become deranged. At one point they kill a man who they blamed for the whole wrath god; they stabbed him and fed him to the monsters, while he was still alive. 9 people try to escape (including artist and son) but the crazy lady has people against them...she gets killed and 8 of the nine get out. once out they retreat to vehicle--except in process 3 get killed.. Artist realizes his wife is dead, they try to escape the mist. Ends up they run outta gas.. and they know they're gonna die. Artist has gun, 4 bullets, five people in car. He kills all including his son (who made him promise He'd never let the monsters get him). Then all he wants to do is die. But the mist clears minutes after the incident. Tragic.
Yea, it's much better than I described. though I so thought in the beginning (because i knew there'd be monsters) I thought they'd come from his paintings..
Anyway, it got me thinking of how someone could kill someone. How could they kill that innocent man, or even live knowing that you convinced people an innocent man needed to die a slow painful death???
I can't even fathom that kind of hate or insanity. I've had friends ask if I've ever thought of killing someone, and when I said no, they found it abnormal? I don't think it's abnormal that I have no urge to know what that's like. There is no reason to kill. There are always better ways around things. Like war. War is dumb. Don't get me wrong, I greatly respect the courage of our soldiers who are out there putting their lives out on the line for our freedom and for the "good of the nation", but isn't there a better way? Is shooting someone really helping? I know that at this point, maybe we're in too deep. We as a species have accepted war. I just think that there should be a better way.
I mean, have you ever really thought about it? Like.. when someone dies... they're gone. I mean I believe in heaven, hell and all that stuff. But I'm just saying, they aren't here like physically no matter what you believe. You just ended that person's life..
what reason is good enough to kill..?
hm? tell me one, I'd like to know.. unless it's self-defense. I understand that.
All these thoughts pose the argument for capital punishment too. hm.
to be cont.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
all my blogs
seem to be a rant. I apologize, but there is so much for me to say.
With that said..here I go again.
Fictitious characters trudging through our vast world, dragging their feet, fabricating lies with every step. Fictitious characters who get caught up in multiple falsehood's that they create in order to please everyone in their lives so that they can soak up as much attention as possible.
Sadly, that is what much of our society has been molded into. I have lost one of my best friend's to the darkness of a material, attention-based world.
I know too many people who care more about how they appear to people, than who they actually are. When they're around their "goody-goody" friends, they act as if they could do no wrong. They befriend "the wrong crowd" and act as though they've lived on the street for years. They lose themselves in the lies and convince themselves that everything they lied about is true. A jack of all the wrong trades.
It makes me sad to see so many people fall to this fate.
to be cont...
With that said..here I go again.
Fictitious characters trudging through our vast world, dragging their feet, fabricating lies with every step. Fictitious characters who get caught up in multiple falsehood's that they create in order to please everyone in their lives so that they can soak up as much attention as possible.
Sadly, that is what much of our society has been molded into. I have lost one of my best friend's to the darkness of a material, attention-based world.
I know too many people who care more about how they appear to people, than who they actually are. When they're around their "goody-goody" friends, they act as if they could do no wrong. They befriend "the wrong crowd" and act as though they've lived on the street for years. They lose themselves in the lies and convince themselves that everything they lied about is true. A jack of all the wrong trades.
It makes me sad to see so many people fall to this fate.
to be cont...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
okay
Im about to get my senior pics taken.
and its like.. i am second guessing my outfits lol... i hate that. i always do this.
anyway, today is gonna be funnnnnnnn. or so I hope. I get to go to game night at the youth group! an my BFF fo sho is hopefully coming, as well as jake --now thats a whole other topic that i dont even wanna get into. so it'll either rock or its gonna go over horribly.. but since it's the youth group...it should rock lol.
woot!
and its like.. i am second guessing my outfits lol... i hate that. i always do this.
anyway, today is gonna be funnnnnnnn. or so I hope. I get to go to game night at the youth group! an my BFF fo sho is hopefully coming, as well as jake --now thats a whole other topic that i dont even wanna get into. so it'll either rock or its gonna go over horribly.. but since it's the youth group...it should rock lol.
woot!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
First blog of the new year...(longest blog EVER)
I have a song attached to this blog :D just cuz i like it and its one of the very few acoustic songs that Breaking Benjamin has.
Anyway, I'm probably going to sound a bit like a broken record here because I'm sure I've blogged something similar to this before but...I'm going to blog it again gosh dang-it!
In this blog:
1. Arguing
2. Why do people get upset so easily?
3. "Til death do us part" in explanation to the Mormons that came to my house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARGUING
On a "short" note, my brother and his girlfriend woke me up with their arguing this morning. The whole fight was over name calling and it was so petty but my brother made an excellent point. He apparently said something that made her mad and she called him a dick and he apologized but she didn't and it escalated. My brother made this point (to understand it better you'd need to know all that happened but i don't want to disperse his whole argument)... He has the horrible tendency to cuss a lot, and he said "if you ask anyone who knows me if i have a 'potty mouth' they will say yes. But if I asked anyone if you had a 'potty mouth' then not a single person would say yes, in fact they'd all find it shocking, so when you called me a name, it really hurt. (she still wasn't getting it) You know why? Because you calling someone a bad name is like Jesus calling someone a Mother F____er". I thought that was like funny, but it's completely true.. and after that the argument basically was over. Although, this does not excuse any name calling on my brother's behalf--whether he curses a lot or not.
My friend Jeremy always has little debates with me but they are always over something really ridiculous and for the most part its just a joking argument and is rather fun. Over the weekend, Sunday to be precise, He told me he was thinking about the Chaos Theory. In other words, the Butterfly Effect (a butterfly in Brazil flaps it's wings and causes a tornado in Texas). He just randomly brought it up and asked if I believed in it, and I said I didn't because I don't think that a butterfly simply flapping it's wings would create such a difference in air pressure that it could cause a tornado. That set him off. We began arguing over a 4 hour span. I could really give a hoot. I had no inclination to talk about let alone argue about the Chaos Theory. He began challenging me on something I knew little about, and was not prepared to argue for. Me stating that I am unsure on my stance on the theory does not imply that I do not agree with aspects of the theory, I understand that nature has many chaotic events. However, I have never researched the mathematical basis behind this theory, therefore I would rather inform myself before ever caring to argue. For all I know, I may actually agree with the theory--unfortunately, I don't know enough on the topic. He kept giving examples that were in little relevance to the theory as well. For example he said "I quit my last job because my paycheck had been messed up, later I found out that the check number was wrong..what are the chances of that...and now I work here, had that not happened I would've never been here" I told him, well obviously had that not happened you wouldn't be here, life is a bunch of untold stories, it's obvious logic that if you do one thing then something will happen and if you were to do something different instead then there would potentially be a different outcome. I believe that his example was only partial to the theory and i told him that and he got mad and would not accept the fact that I do not completely agree with a theory. In my opinion, i think that it's okay to debate but if one person does not have any motivation or support for the argument then why should you force your ideals on them? I asked him to stop THREE times because i was getting upset (he wouldn't consider my opinion or lack there of....plus arguing makes me want to cry). He didn't stop until I refused to respond.
Can you tell me if you think he went to far? In argument, he referred to me as a B word and stated all I do is shoot him down... because I was not willing to argue about something I know little about. I asked him that day the following day why he wouldn't stop and he said because he likes questioning the theory and his life. He was not questioning and I told him that, he was trying to persuade me. His response was "Don't you want to know why you are here" to which "I already know why I'm here.." "That's bull crap."
Nice huh? FUN DAY AT WORK.
Why Do People Get Upset So Easily?
Picture this:
A woman with a cart, filled with snacks & a birthday cake (as well as other stuff). She walks to my register and begins to unload her stuff, rather happily.
Me: Hello!
Woman: Hi :D
Me: How are you? Do you Have a Remke Card?
Woman: Not with me but you can look it up. Oh and do you sell Vodka here?
Me: No, but they do across the street. (woman tells me her info and I look up her card)
*end of order*
Me: your total is 94.78
Woman: I'm going to write this for $10 over.
Me: Um... Ma'am do you have your Remke card visibly with you, otherwise you can't.
Woman: Even with ID?
Me: No it's our policy. It's just for the customer's protection.
Woman: Well that's absolute bull Sh*t. --talks to manager--comes back-- you might as well delete me from your system, I'll never be back. If it wasn't my daughter's birthday then I'd just leave all of this here and you could put it all back. --talks to manager and writes name and number on paper--
Me: Have a good night.
Woman: *storms off*
Seriously? Why get so mad? There's an ATM outside... she also was going to go buy vodka, so she'd have the opportunity to get money back there if they allow it. It's not my fault. And guess what? She came through my line again today, haha.
Another incident --worse-- happen to my friend while she was working. The up coming week had a sale for coke 12pks 3 for 9 dollars, but this week there was no sale on coke at all. A man comes through her line with three coke 12pks. She rings him up an says "Your total is $15.10" The man gets slightly annoyed an says "Aren't those supposed to be nine dollars?? She replies "no they aren't on sale....." Then the man becomes enraged and slams the coke down and gets in the cashier's face and says "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! IT'S F***ING STUPID! YOU CAN TAKE YOUR F***ING COKE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR F***ING @$! SCREW YOU!" then proceeds to march out of store.
It's not our fault that the coke wasn't on sale and that he read the wrong ad...
I think it's pathetic to get so annoyed over such a small thing.
TIL DEATH DO US PART
Recently, I have had some Mormon missionaries visit my house. I stood with them, talked and actually gave them my number and what not --though i had no intention to convert, I just thought they were nice and even though I am of a different religion, I believe what they are doing is good (don't be afraid to share your faith and take criticism. The only problem is now they wont leave me alone no matter how much I say I am happy with St.Paul. Anyway, that's a different topic.
The first day that they came to my house they said something that struck me that I never really thought about, and that is the saying "Til death do us part" at a Catholic (as well as other religions under Christianity) wedding. Elder McCaleb said the following: "I don't know much about St.Paul but it is a church under some form of Christianity right? (Catholic) Well I'm sure you are familiar with a traditional Christian or Catholic wedding? (yes) Then you have heard the words 'Til death do us part', correct? (yes) Well I for one do not want death to separate me from my wife. I want to be with her forever, wouldn't you want to be with your family and your husband forever? (yes) I don't want death to be the end of that relationship.." then he continued to say that Mormons are unique to the fact that when they die they aren't separated from their family..blah blah blah..
At the time I was like wow he's right, I don't want to be separated from my Husband and kids.. then it came to me ( a second after that thought), well that's not what they mean by that saying anyway! So, after they left I sat down and thought about that saying for a while debating with myself responses that I could have said and should have said to the Mormons, to not only stick up for my own beliefs and religion but also to further his knowledge (because I don't believe he knows much of other religions plus he was close to my age. So here is my explanation.
Marriage is the union of two souls, two people who want to spend their lives growing old together, two best friends who chose one another forever. In the traditional ceremony of marriage, the couple is asked, when stating their love to say the phrase (or some variation) "I take you _____, to be my lawfully wedded ______, to have and to hold, in richer or for poor, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" , This is supposed to be an expression --in words-- that they will stay faithful, work through the obstacles with each other and want to be with each other forever. As I stated before, Marriage is the union of two souls. Death is only for the physical. Death is what happens to the body. But if you believe in any kind of afterlife you already know this, souls live on, our bodies are left behind and we are formed anew in heaven--"to be absent from the body (is to be) at home with the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:8). There is nothing (that I've read) in the bible that states "you will not see or be with your family in heaven", nor do I believe that God will for some reason not "allow" us to be near our loved ones. Heaven is nothing like how it is on earth, so therefore even if you are with your family, the love is different. When you are in heaven your love for God should overwhelm all that you feel for another human being... I kinda lost my train of thought because a friend came over while I was reminicing about this topic.. but as you can see from what I have stated, that when we say "til death do us part" we do not mean that we only want to be with each other 'til we die, we mean that since we are making this pledge while we are living on earth we will stay together until we die. Oh one more statement I'd like to add, people usually do not die at the same time, so the statement also makes sense there, because you have to part if your partner dies before you, but of course you will still be with them forever.. It doesn't mean that you should convert just because of one little line that is said in a wedding ceremony (and for the most part many people make up what they say now).
Anyway, I'm probably going to sound a bit like a broken record here because I'm sure I've blogged something similar to this before but...I'm going to blog it again gosh dang-it!
In this blog:
1. Arguing
2. Why do people get upset so easily?
3. "Til death do us part" in explanation to the Mormons that came to my house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ARGUING
On a "short" note, my brother and his girlfriend woke me up with their arguing this morning. The whole fight was over name calling and it was so petty but my brother made an excellent point. He apparently said something that made her mad and she called him a dick and he apologized but she didn't and it escalated. My brother made this point (to understand it better you'd need to know all that happened but i don't want to disperse his whole argument)... He has the horrible tendency to cuss a lot, and he said "if you ask anyone who knows me if i have a 'potty mouth' they will say yes. But if I asked anyone if you had a 'potty mouth' then not a single person would say yes, in fact they'd all find it shocking, so when you called me a name, it really hurt. (she still wasn't getting it) You know why? Because you calling someone a bad name is like Jesus calling someone a Mother F____er". I thought that was like funny, but it's completely true.. and after that the argument basically was over. Although, this does not excuse any name calling on my brother's behalf--whether he curses a lot or not.
My friend Jeremy always has little debates with me but they are always over something really ridiculous and for the most part its just a joking argument and is rather fun. Over the weekend, Sunday to be precise, He told me he was thinking about the Chaos Theory. In other words, the Butterfly Effect (a butterfly in Brazil flaps it's wings and causes a tornado in Texas). He just randomly brought it up and asked if I believed in it, and I said I didn't because I don't think that a butterfly simply flapping it's wings would create such a difference in air pressure that it could cause a tornado. That set him off. We began arguing over a 4 hour span. I could really give a hoot. I had no inclination to talk about let alone argue about the Chaos Theory. He began challenging me on something I knew little about, and was not prepared to argue for. Me stating that I am unsure on my stance on the theory does not imply that I do not agree with aspects of the theory, I understand that nature has many chaotic events. However, I have never researched the mathematical basis behind this theory, therefore I would rather inform myself before ever caring to argue. For all I know, I may actually agree with the theory--unfortunately, I don't know enough on the topic. He kept giving examples that were in little relevance to the theory as well. For example he said "I quit my last job because my paycheck had been messed up, later I found out that the check number was wrong..what are the chances of that...and now I work here, had that not happened I would've never been here" I told him, well obviously had that not happened you wouldn't be here, life is a bunch of untold stories, it's obvious logic that if you do one thing then something will happen and if you were to do something different instead then there would potentially be a different outcome. I believe that his example was only partial to the theory and i told him that and he got mad and would not accept the fact that I do not completely agree with a theory. In my opinion, i think that it's okay to debate but if one person does not have any motivation or support for the argument then why should you force your ideals on them? I asked him to stop THREE times because i was getting upset (he wouldn't consider my opinion or lack there of....plus arguing makes me want to cry). He didn't stop until I refused to respond.
Can you tell me if you think he went to far? In argument, he referred to me as a B word and stated all I do is shoot him down... because I was not willing to argue about something I know little about. I asked him that day the following day why he wouldn't stop and he said because he likes questioning the theory and his life. He was not questioning and I told him that, he was trying to persuade me. His response was "Don't you want to know why you are here" to which "I already know why I'm here.." "That's bull crap."
Nice huh? FUN DAY AT WORK.
Why Do People Get Upset So Easily?
Picture this:
A woman with a cart, filled with snacks & a birthday cake (as well as other stuff). She walks to my register and begins to unload her stuff, rather happily.
Me: Hello!
Woman: Hi :D
Me: How are you? Do you Have a Remke Card?
Woman: Not with me but you can look it up. Oh and do you sell Vodka here?
Me: No, but they do across the street. (woman tells me her info and I look up her card)
*end of order*
Me: your total is 94.78
Woman: I'm going to write this for $10 over.
Me: Um... Ma'am do you have your Remke card visibly with you, otherwise you can't.
Woman: Even with ID?
Me: No it's our policy. It's just for the customer's protection.
Woman: Well that's absolute bull Sh*t. --talks to manager--comes back-- you might as well delete me from your system, I'll never be back. If it wasn't my daughter's birthday then I'd just leave all of this here and you could put it all back. --talks to manager and writes name and number on paper--
Me: Have a good night.
Woman: *storms off*
Seriously? Why get so mad? There's an ATM outside... she also was going to go buy vodka, so she'd have the opportunity to get money back there if they allow it. It's not my fault. And guess what? She came through my line again today, haha.
Another incident --worse-- happen to my friend while she was working. The up coming week had a sale for coke 12pks 3 for 9 dollars, but this week there was no sale on coke at all. A man comes through her line with three coke 12pks. She rings him up an says "Your total is $15.10" The man gets slightly annoyed an says "Aren't those supposed to be nine dollars?? She replies "no they aren't on sale....." Then the man becomes enraged and slams the coke down and gets in the cashier's face and says "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! IT'S F***ING STUPID! YOU CAN TAKE YOUR F***ING COKE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR F***ING @$! SCREW YOU!" then proceeds to march out of store.
It's not our fault that the coke wasn't on sale and that he read the wrong ad...
I think it's pathetic to get so annoyed over such a small thing.
TIL DEATH DO US PART
Recently, I have had some Mormon missionaries visit my house. I stood with them, talked and actually gave them my number and what not --though i had no intention to convert, I just thought they were nice and even though I am of a different religion, I believe what they are doing is good (don't be afraid to share your faith and take criticism. The only problem is now they wont leave me alone no matter how much I say I am happy with St.Paul. Anyway, that's a different topic.
The first day that they came to my house they said something that struck me that I never really thought about, and that is the saying "Til death do us part" at a Catholic (as well as other religions under Christianity) wedding. Elder McCaleb said the following: "I don't know much about St.Paul but it is a church under some form of Christianity right? (Catholic) Well I'm sure you are familiar with a traditional Christian or Catholic wedding? (yes) Then you have heard the words 'Til death do us part', correct? (yes) Well I for one do not want death to separate me from my wife. I want to be with her forever, wouldn't you want to be with your family and your husband forever? (yes) I don't want death to be the end of that relationship.." then he continued to say that Mormons are unique to the fact that when they die they aren't separated from their family..blah blah blah..
At the time I was like wow he's right, I don't want to be separated from my Husband and kids.. then it came to me ( a second after that thought), well that's not what they mean by that saying anyway! So, after they left I sat down and thought about that saying for a while debating with myself responses that I could have said and should have said to the Mormons, to not only stick up for my own beliefs and religion but also to further his knowledge (because I don't believe he knows much of other religions plus he was close to my age. So here is my explanation.
Marriage is the union of two souls, two people who want to spend their lives growing old together, two best friends who chose one another forever. In the traditional ceremony of marriage, the couple is asked, when stating their love to say the phrase (or some variation) "I take you _____, to be my lawfully wedded ______, to have and to hold, in richer or for poor, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" , This is supposed to be an expression --in words-- that they will stay faithful, work through the obstacles with each other and want to be with each other forever. As I stated before, Marriage is the union of two souls. Death is only for the physical. Death is what happens to the body. But if you believe in any kind of afterlife you already know this, souls live on, our bodies are left behind and we are formed anew in heaven--"to be absent from the body (is to be) at home with the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:8). There is nothing (that I've read) in the bible that states "you will not see or be with your family in heaven", nor do I believe that God will for some reason not "allow" us to be near our loved ones. Heaven is nothing like how it is on earth, so therefore even if you are with your family, the love is different. When you are in heaven your love for God should overwhelm all that you feel for another human being... I kinda lost my train of thought because a friend came over while I was reminicing about this topic.. but as you can see from what I have stated, that when we say "til death do us part" we do not mean that we only want to be with each other 'til we die, we mean that since we are making this pledge while we are living on earth we will stay together until we die. Oh one more statement I'd like to add, people usually do not die at the same time, so the statement also makes sense there, because you have to part if your partner dies before you, but of course you will still be with them forever.. It doesn't mean that you should convert just because of one little line that is said in a wedding ceremony (and for the most part many people make up what they say now).
Friday, December 28, 2007
sigh.
blog from myspace:
It took me a while but I think those memories are slowly washing away. They were never encompassed in love but rather in amazement, kindness, and later deception. I thought I had finally found something, someone that I was connected with; something worth confiding in. I found that I was wrong and that I should just move on. I had a whimsical moment filled with wisdom in which i finally let go. I let go of those false feelings. I think I've let go of this beauty for good. Of couse I will always have an association, but never have what I wanted; needed. But that's alright now. I'm okay.
Off of that note, I feel like talking of myself. Not sure why.
When I'm troubled and seek out a place to contemplate, I do not lurk in my room, but rather (strangely) i crawl behind the table in the dining room and lay on the rug placed in front of the backdoor. I can focus my thoughts in peace, i feel more at ease than on an man-made furniture and I feel.. secluded. Since I was little, if i ever needed to "get away" this is where I'd go. For some reason, I am always passed by unnoticed when I lie in that spot.
If I am stressed I take runs/walks.. Nature has a calming effect like one cant imagine. Cold air can clear one's thoughts in a matter of seconds. These walks are more intimate at night, allowing you.. and only you their presence.
I tend to listen to sad music when upset, and depending on what I'm upset about I usually listen to music associated with what's making me upset. If anything it just makes the pain more real and I'm not quite sure why I do this, I guess to experience it all..
I always feel rushed except when I'm alone.
I need more time.
I need to improve myself a lot.
I hate make-up and you will not convince me to use it until I am completely accepting of myself and am sure that it will not be used as a crutch.
I have more to say but my intuitive mood has left me with a lethargic, "i dont wanna type or talk about myself mood".. lol so this was really random :\ have fun.
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Came here to post that but now i have another blog.
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"SIGH"
The loud click of the door followed by hard movements. A cold voice and hushed words. The silence, then the shift of weight followed by more cold words. Another petty fight. Another fraught of hurtful words. The tinge in the voice on the verge of crying.
My brother and his girlfriend always fight. I want them to be together forever but they get angered over such little things because they are both selfish (yet not), both lacking esteem, both jealous.. I'm not sure what this one is about but it seems my brothers girlfriend is mad that he talked on the phone....because he called a guy friend?
these fights are not seldom (well they actually haven't fought for a long time but the fights used to be regular) and rarely do they pertain to something worth fighting over. I can see both arguments and most of the time one person is EXTREMELY at fault while the other isn't at all, be it one overreacting or one doing something offending. I hate it. What's worse is HOW they argue. The things I've heard them say, are just horrible. HORRIBLE. The kinds of words that rip apart your soul. Those that you can't take back in an apology no matter how much you didn't mean them.
I hate hate hate hate hate arguments. So fierce.. so painful.
My brother is one who must make sure every little detail is precise. He's very analytical. Ex: He'll say something, and I say oh I know and he'll retort with you don't know that how could you have known that?
Its just how i respond sometimes.
Now his girlfriend, is a sweetheart but is incredibly in need of my brother. She needs to be around him ALL THE TIME and she is uber jealous. She will not tolerate the mention of his ex girlfriends.
They are now full on fighting. He just completely used every curse word possible. F F F F F between every word. I don't care what she did or how wrong, you do not use those words in an argument.
She didn't apologize sincerely, she still thinks she's right, he tried to prevent the fight apparently I heard him say it.. but then she apparently kept egging it on so he went out side and is currently screaming on the phone at the top of his lungs.
it makes me shudder.
I dont understand. I just DONT.
I definitely see WHY he's mad
but..
it's ridiculous.
Let it F'n go.
He's leaving the house now and I'm rather afraid of what's going to happen.
My brother has major MAJOR anger problems.
He just left the house in a matter of seconds.
I assume to confront her. Its freakin 3 days after christmas and he's already saying he hates her.
I hope to god he doesn't do something dumb or get hurt because when you're mad, you're not exactly alert. --I'll update later
----
update...
everythings fine now, he didnt o anything wrong and since then they've fought like twice and i've come to realize its not all one sided, majority of their fights is actually brits fault--she seems to get mad much easier than my brother.. and now My mom and I have sat with him and figured out a way in which he can get around her way of fighting so that neither of them get mad-er lol... woo! and they havent fought since that lil counciling session.
It took me a while but I think those memories are slowly washing away. They were never encompassed in love but rather in amazement, kindness, and later deception. I thought I had finally found something, someone that I was connected with; something worth confiding in. I found that I was wrong and that I should just move on. I had a whimsical moment filled with wisdom in which i finally let go. I let go of those false feelings. I think I've let go of this beauty for good. Of couse I will always have an association, but never have what I wanted; needed. But that's alright now. I'm okay.
Off of that note, I feel like talking of myself. Not sure why.
When I'm troubled and seek out a place to contemplate, I do not lurk in my room, but rather (strangely) i crawl behind the table in the dining room and lay on the rug placed in front of the backdoor. I can focus my thoughts in peace, i feel more at ease than on an man-made furniture and I feel.. secluded. Since I was little, if i ever needed to "get away" this is where I'd go. For some reason, I am always passed by unnoticed when I lie in that spot.
If I am stressed I take runs/walks.. Nature has a calming effect like one cant imagine. Cold air can clear one's thoughts in a matter of seconds. These walks are more intimate at night, allowing you.. and only you their presence.
I tend to listen to sad music when upset, and depending on what I'm upset about I usually listen to music associated with what's making me upset. If anything it just makes the pain more real and I'm not quite sure why I do this, I guess to experience it all..
I always feel rushed except when I'm alone.
I need more time.
I need to improve myself a lot.
I hate make-up and you will not convince me to use it until I am completely accepting of myself and am sure that it will not be used as a crutch.
I have more to say but my intuitive mood has left me with a lethargic, "i dont wanna type or talk about myself mood".. lol so this was really random :\ have fun.
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Came here to post that but now i have another blog.
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"SIGH"
The loud click of the door followed by hard movements. A cold voice and hushed words. The silence, then the shift of weight followed by more cold words. Another petty fight. Another fraught of hurtful words. The tinge in the voice on the verge of crying.
My brother and his girlfriend always fight. I want them to be together forever but they get angered over such little things because they are both selfish (yet not), both lacking esteem, both jealous.. I'm not sure what this one is about but it seems my brothers girlfriend is mad that he talked on the phone....because he called a guy friend?
these fights are not seldom (well they actually haven't fought for a long time but the fights used to be regular) and rarely do they pertain to something worth fighting over. I can see both arguments and most of the time one person is EXTREMELY at fault while the other isn't at all, be it one overreacting or one doing something offending. I hate it. What's worse is HOW they argue. The things I've heard them say, are just horrible. HORRIBLE. The kinds of words that rip apart your soul. Those that you can't take back in an apology no matter how much you didn't mean them.
I hate hate hate hate hate arguments. So fierce.. so painful.
My brother is one who must make sure every little detail is precise. He's very analytical. Ex: He'll say something, and I say oh I know and he'll retort with you don't know that how could you have known that?
Its just how i respond sometimes.
Now his girlfriend, is a sweetheart but is incredibly in need of my brother. She needs to be around him ALL THE TIME and she is uber jealous. She will not tolerate the mention of his ex girlfriends.
They are now full on fighting. He just completely used every curse word possible. F F F F F between every word. I don't care what she did or how wrong, you do not use those words in an argument.
She didn't apologize sincerely, she still thinks she's right, he tried to prevent the fight apparently I heard him say it.. but then she apparently kept egging it on so he went out side and is currently screaming on the phone at the top of his lungs.
it makes me shudder.
I dont understand. I just DONT.
I definitely see WHY he's mad
but..
it's ridiculous.
Let it F'n go.
He's leaving the house now and I'm rather afraid of what's going to happen.
My brother has major MAJOR anger problems.
He just left the house in a matter of seconds.
I assume to confront her. Its freakin 3 days after christmas and he's already saying he hates her.
I hope to god he doesn't do something dumb or get hurt because when you're mad, you're not exactly alert. --I'll update later
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update...
everythings fine now, he didnt o anything wrong and since then they've fought like twice and i've come to realize its not all one sided, majority of their fights is actually brits fault--she seems to get mad much easier than my brother.. and now My mom and I have sat with him and figured out a way in which he can get around her way of fighting so that neither of them get mad-er lol... woo! and they havent fought since that lil counciling session.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
hmmm holiday season
Now that Christmas has met its annual end, I feel as though I should write a blog.
This Christmas season felt extremely different from the last. I knew it would be different in some ways, simply because my family is now different. But the way in which is most differed from any other year was the lack of it's true meaning. I can honestly say this year I didn't focus on what Christmas is all about, not purposely mind you. I just was rushed because I had no time to shop because of school and work. But I did try to keep the ideals in mind. Especially when I heard friends bragging about their gifts. I'm happy that they got something nice, but it's not what the main focus of christmas is. I still have friends that go snooping under the tree and shaking boxes. I have friends who beg their parents to let them open their presents early. Not only that (and this is just my opinion/how I was raised) many of them got many expensive gifts yet still wanted more; My family isn't the exactly rich, but usually when we get our gifts there is one "expensive" gift and the rest are not as expensive. My friends seem to just want a bunch of high priced technology that will eventually outdate. Idk, like one of my friends got a ring with her birthstone, a laptop,the new ipod (not the itouch or w/e), 150 giftcard to mall, then about 6 more giftcards. On top of all that, she was disappointed that she didnt get a car. She hassels her grandparents about it, jokingly but she stil expects one. It bugs me because she's so lucky already. Idk it just bugs me, maybe it's because I dont get more expensive stuff? But i dont think thats it, I mean i do wish my family was better off, but I am in no need of technology to entertain myself. I just think that due to todays technology based society, all we want is more more more, especially this time of year when really we should just focus on the family, friends, and god. Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but some of it is just perks. It's good to have a few, but to want all of them is too much.
Now i'm just rambling. This blog isn't turning out how I wanted too....so I'm gonna stop writing this one. ..
This Christmas season felt extremely different from the last. I knew it would be different in some ways, simply because my family is now different. But the way in which is most differed from any other year was the lack of it's true meaning. I can honestly say this year I didn't focus on what Christmas is all about, not purposely mind you. I just was rushed because I had no time to shop because of school and work. But I did try to keep the ideals in mind. Especially when I heard friends bragging about their gifts. I'm happy that they got something nice, but it's not what the main focus of christmas is. I still have friends that go snooping under the tree and shaking boxes. I have friends who beg their parents to let them open their presents early. Not only that (and this is just my opinion/how I was raised) many of them got many expensive gifts yet still wanted more; My family isn't the exactly rich, but usually when we get our gifts there is one "expensive" gift and the rest are not as expensive. My friends seem to just want a bunch of high priced technology that will eventually outdate. Idk, like one of my friends got a ring with her birthstone, a laptop,the new ipod (not the itouch or w/e), 150 giftcard to mall, then about 6 more giftcards. On top of all that, she was disappointed that she didnt get a car. She hassels her grandparents about it, jokingly but she stil expects one. It bugs me because she's so lucky already. Idk it just bugs me, maybe it's because I dont get more expensive stuff? But i dont think thats it, I mean i do wish my family was better off, but I am in no need of technology to entertain myself. I just think that due to todays technology based society, all we want is more more more, especially this time of year when really we should just focus on the family, friends, and god. Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but some of it is just perks. It's good to have a few, but to want all of them is too much.
Now i'm just rambling. This blog isn't turning out how I wanted too....so I'm gonna stop writing this one. ..
Saturday, December 22, 2007
The cruelity of a joke
So let me tell you about tonight. Okay, my whole day was out of sink... I screwed up a lot today.. but it got better. (btw this was written right when I got home so I apologize for any errors and for the whole "written as if i was talking/formal" paragraph style)
After work I went home and relaxed, then I was going to go out and buy my grandma her Christmas gift and Chrislee a gift (yea, It took me 3 days to shop, just in case you're reading Austin). Well I called Sam and Chrislee to let them know and Sam said i had a surprise at her house and to come over. I told them I'd be over in a little bit, so I left and went out to office depot and bout blank cd's (yes chrislee wanted blank cd's) then across the street to my work to say hello to my fellow employees who I saw an hour ago lol. I bought cookies (for Sam and Chrislee) and gum, then left to go to O'Charley's to buy a gift certificate.
When I was leaving I got a call from chrislee and she asked where I was at and I said leaving remke. Then a few minutes late I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. The text said: "Hey =)" I responded with hey, who's this? They replied with "I'm your stalker". I took this as a joke and cleverly responded with "oh i have tons of those so narrow it down for me please =)". Their response kinda creeped me out.. "ok, I know that you are 18 and your bday is 10 12 89 and you live on (insert my address here). " I replied by saying wrong address (they had number wrong).
At this point I was kinda creeped out but knew I had a few friends who it could be. They replied with "Im 48 yrs old and my names james and i know every thing about you =)" I still figured it was a joke so I said "yea sure, who is this" Then I got the message that scared me to death. "I watched you walk into biggs around 10:43 and you bought 2 pairs of pajamas" I hadn't told anyone where or what I bought last night, other than Sam and Chrislee because they were with me. I called Sam and chrislee picked up the phone. I asked if she or Sam had given out my number.
Chrislee said no and asked why and when I explained she was like "oh wow thats creepy" and I was like no it's not just creepy it's scary as hell. At this point I was shaking and at O'charleys walking inside. I then got another text sayin what my car was and what hangs from my mirror. I was shaking the whole time and was afraid to go back outside and I called sam and asked her if she recognized the number and she acted like she didnt even know about the texts.. which surprised me. Then when I was leaving they text me saying "are you single" and I freaked out and didn't respond.
a few minutes later I received a text saying "come on baby". Then I replied with "seriously who is this, is it Sean?" and they replied "no it's James baby boo". I was still suspicious but too freaked out to even care. I was paranoid and constantly on the look out. When I was driving towards Sam I got a text that said "you want to know something?" I freaked out and called Chrislee and told her to wait outside because I thought they might be behind me because the person behind me was using a cell at the time. Chrislee asked what car it was and stuff.. and I was half way crying.. and when I hung up I was so freaked out and was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled up to Sam's. Chrislee came outside and said shuana was inside and that that was my surprise. I asked her if it was shuana who text me and she said no.
I went inside (shaking), went in sams room and shuana tried to hug me but i didn't let her. I had got a text saying it was a joke but they wouldn't say who it was, they wouldn't respond either. I gave chrislee her gift and sam just kinda said hi. We all talked and they all tried to convince me that it was a joke or that it had to be someone I knew that I told. But i kept telling them I didn't tell anyone. I text my youth group and my work to see if anyone gave my number out, and ended up having to tell everyone what happened. We ended up calling the number but all it did was go straight to voicemail.
Shuana and Chrislee stayed til 11, then left. Right after they left I got a text from the number that said "you're going to hate me when I tell you who this is" I was like god i just want to know who it is. Sam looked at me and was like uh. and I was like you know? and she said yes and said she's not supposed to tell. I asked her to and she said it was Shuana. I text Shuana and said, "Shuana" and she said "No" then replied and kept saying sorry and that it wasn't just her.
Sam went into full detail.
I'm glad Sam told me, and I'm less mad at her since really all she did was provide some details. (she also gave hints that it was shuana but i never caught on cuz i was so scared). I had almost not gone to Sam's and called the cops/cincy bell.
I'm just kinda hurt, I know it went to far and they didnt mean anything by it. But it bugs me that no one told me. Sam said she would've if she got me alone, she just didnt want to hurt shuana either since shuana asked her not to tell. In the least Sam should've text me. Chrislee didn't try at all. Not only was she on the phone with me when I cried, but she played along to, sam said she even wanted to lie about it. She also lied TO MY FACE about it being Shuana. She also had me call her when I left Sam's and (she didn't know I knew) didn't try to tell me whatsoever. Shuana should've told me instead of blaming john (my friend, she made it should like it could of been him). She should've told me instead of letting me rant and worry.
I'm just hurt but I know by tomorrow I'll be fine. It went way to far and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. That's not something you joke about, it's to common in society today. If you're gonna joke, then send like 2 texts and say you're kidding don't make a whole night of it.
After work I went home and relaxed, then I was going to go out and buy my grandma her Christmas gift and Chrislee a gift (yea, It took me 3 days to shop, just in case you're reading Austin). Well I called Sam and Chrislee to let them know and Sam said i had a surprise at her house and to come over. I told them I'd be over in a little bit, so I left and went out to office depot and bout blank cd's (yes chrislee wanted blank cd's) then across the street to my work to say hello to my fellow employees who I saw an hour ago lol. I bought cookies (for Sam and Chrislee) and gum, then left to go to O'Charley's to buy a gift certificate.
When I was leaving I got a call from chrislee and she asked where I was at and I said leaving remke. Then a few minutes late I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. The text said: "Hey =)" I responded with hey, who's this? They replied with "I'm your stalker". I took this as a joke and cleverly responded with "oh i have tons of those so narrow it down for me please =)". Their response kinda creeped me out.. "ok, I know that you are 18 and your bday is 10 12 89 and you live on (insert my address here). " I replied by saying wrong address (they had number wrong).
At this point I was kinda creeped out but knew I had a few friends who it could be. They replied with "Im 48 yrs old and my names james and i know every thing about you =)" I still figured it was a joke so I said "yea sure, who is this" Then I got the message that scared me to death. "I watched you walk into biggs around 10:43 and you bought 2 pairs of pajamas" I hadn't told anyone where or what I bought last night, other than Sam and Chrislee because they were with me. I called Sam and chrislee picked up the phone. I asked if she or Sam had given out my number.
Chrislee said no and asked why and when I explained she was like "oh wow thats creepy" and I was like no it's not just creepy it's scary as hell. At this point I was shaking and at O'charleys walking inside. I then got another text sayin what my car was and what hangs from my mirror. I was shaking the whole time and was afraid to go back outside and I called sam and asked her if she recognized the number and she acted like she didnt even know about the texts.. which surprised me. Then when I was leaving they text me saying "are you single" and I freaked out and didn't respond.
a few minutes later I received a text saying "come on baby". Then I replied with "seriously who is this, is it Sean?" and they replied "no it's James baby boo". I was still suspicious but too freaked out to even care. I was paranoid and constantly on the look out. When I was driving towards Sam I got a text that said "you want to know something?" I freaked out and called Chrislee and told her to wait outside because I thought they might be behind me because the person behind me was using a cell at the time. Chrislee asked what car it was and stuff.. and I was half way crying.. and when I hung up I was so freaked out and was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled up to Sam's. Chrislee came outside and said shuana was inside and that that was my surprise. I asked her if it was shuana who text me and she said no.
I went inside (shaking), went in sams room and shuana tried to hug me but i didn't let her. I had got a text saying it was a joke but they wouldn't say who it was, they wouldn't respond either. I gave chrislee her gift and sam just kinda said hi. We all talked and they all tried to convince me that it was a joke or that it had to be someone I knew that I told. But i kept telling them I didn't tell anyone. I text my youth group and my work to see if anyone gave my number out, and ended up having to tell everyone what happened. We ended up calling the number but all it did was go straight to voicemail.
Shuana and Chrislee stayed til 11, then left. Right after they left I got a text from the number that said "you're going to hate me when I tell you who this is" I was like god i just want to know who it is. Sam looked at me and was like uh. and I was like you know? and she said yes and said she's not supposed to tell. I asked her to and she said it was Shuana. I text Shuana and said, "Shuana" and she said "No" then replied and kept saying sorry and that it wasn't just her.
Sam went into full detail.
I'm glad Sam told me, and I'm less mad at her since really all she did was provide some details. (she also gave hints that it was shuana but i never caught on cuz i was so scared). I had almost not gone to Sam's and called the cops/cincy bell.
I'm just kinda hurt, I know it went to far and they didnt mean anything by it. But it bugs me that no one told me. Sam said she would've if she got me alone, she just didnt want to hurt shuana either since shuana asked her not to tell. In the least Sam should've text me. Chrislee didn't try at all. Not only was she on the phone with me when I cried, but she played along to, sam said she even wanted to lie about it. She also lied TO MY FACE about it being Shuana. She also had me call her when I left Sam's and (she didn't know I knew) didn't try to tell me whatsoever. Shuana should've told me instead of blaming john (my friend, she made it should like it could of been him). She should've told me instead of letting me rant and worry.
I'm just hurt but I know by tomorrow I'll be fine. It went way to far and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. That's not something you joke about, it's to common in society today. If you're gonna joke, then send like 2 texts and say you're kidding don't make a whole night of it.
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