Fear.

I've never understood fear. Fear of spiders, fear of snakes, fear of the dark...etc etc. Same with phobias but I'm just focusing on general fear. What constitutes a fear? How far must a dislike go to become a fear? I am quite unaware of my own fears, I am stuck at a fork in the road; Do I in fact have fears or are they more or less just things I don't want to happen or don't like. For example my roommate says she does not like spiders; my roommate says she fears spiders. How far off from not liking a creature makes it into the category of a fear? When I mention spiders to my roommate she automatically grimaces and shudders. I know if a spider was within 10 ft from her she'd probably scream, thus I would constitute this as a fear. But what per say are the requirements?

My roommate says one reason she fears spiders is because some of them can kill you. This perplexes me. Can't anything kill you? YOU can kill you. Your body itself (if not helped out by outward factors or diseases) eventually kills you, so why not fear oneself? Anything and everything can kill you but it is not logical to fear everything, so why narrow it down to a creature who would rather hide from you than bite you?

If you're wondering, this has nothing to do with spiders, I just want to get to the bottom of what exactly a fear is... or at least understand if I have one or why people have them in the first place..

I know some people say they fear rejection. I don't question that as being a legit fear, but I question if we are overusing the term fear sometimes. Like I don't want to be rejected and it is something I do worry about but when I come face to face with rejection I usually just brush it off... the moments leading up to it is the worst part but I don't care afterward. It also doesn't scare the wits out of me, so does that mean it is a dislike more so than a fear?

I say I fear losing my loved ones. I fear what it will be like when they're gone...yet it is not something that I think about all the time, it is not something that terrifies me, nor is it something that comes straight to mind when thinking of death and/or fears.. I have to search to find it. It's something I don't want to happen and I dread happening but is it a legitimate fear or just something of inevitability that I just don't want happening? Fear is often considered irrational is it not? We are not automatically born with fear, it is learned. Seeing that losing a loved one is inevitable and is a rational thing to not want to happen does that too cancel it from being a fear? (keep in mind we are not talking about phobias.. just FEARS).

Do you have to be physically scared to make it a fear? or are fears just a bunch of worries and dislikes? The term fear can be used in place of worry.. so maybe that is truly all fear is. If so then I am no longer fearless, I'm chock full of fears. Let's consult dictionary.com..
"
–noun

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

5.	that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

"

All of these imply (with the small exception of numbers 3 & 4) the presence of feeling afraid or danger. I do not feel that when I think of the things I "fear". Not quite sure why number 2 is an abnormal fear of heights, what is the normal fear of it? Number 5 says cancer is a common fear... I do not want cancer, it upsets me to think of possibly getting cancer but I do not feel scared at the thought of it, and I do not overall dislike cancer, in fact oncology is something I take interest in. So does my not wanting it and occasional worry of cancer still constitute as a fear? Does the sheer fact that once diagnosed I would no longer have that worry make it also not count as a fear? I DON'T KNOW.

So far none of this pondering has let me settle on if my presented fears (rejection, losing loved ones, etc) are actually fears, nor have I concluded on what exactly a fear is. Fear is confusing, that's what. Not to mention many are irrational, or so I think--however, rational in the fact that some incidents cause people to fear certain things...i.e. almost drowning makes fear of water=rational. What are your thoughts? Do you have any fears? Why do you fear said things?

In my last moments of typing this I just realized... (strange I could forget) that I do in fact have one fear. One that does scare me. One that does make me shudder. One that has caused me to cry in class numerous times. Induces panic attacks. One that will leave me trembling for hours before and  about 30 minutes to an hour afterwards. Public Speaking.

Though I think why that was so far off from my mind is because in college I have been forced to face it. Not to mention the only reason (my rationale) I started fearing it in the first place is now put behind me... and I'm no longer as self-loathing and self conscious like I once was. I get nervous and I still tremble after. But I no longer cry, though I did last year in my speech class. I still have the feeling of impending doom when a teacher so much as mouths the words oral presentation.

S, I don't know.

The fearless has met her match. Public speaking is really just the public display of the web of insecurities/"fears" I have. So therefore, the act of public speaking itself is my actual fear more so than that which fuels the fear of it (rejection/failure/physical insecurities)....if that makes sense..

I have a presentation this semester in eng 200. we'll see how far I've come since speech.

wow this blog took a weird turn, eh?

blah. but seriously folks. Give me some answers. What is fear? what are your fears? why do we fear?

i don't know...

Gotta get away from me..

and maybe you.. but who knows.. I'll find out soon enough.

When I state that, I say it as I'm going on a journey to rejuvenate myself. I want to push out these new found attributes and bring back my old, good qualities.

-cut out all swearing
-re-open my heart to open love (temporarily been shut off due to some trauma)
-stop being so hard on myself..learn to love all of me..

there's much more but those are the main things..

I've noticed these qualities expose themselves and they're making me dislike myself even more.

I'm on the brink of depression, I can tell.. sure I laugh, sure I can still smile... but I've become so apathetic and numb to everything.. to the point that it's,,,well it's quite heart-breaking. I've tried so hard to never fall into that rut again and somehow I'm right outside of it again. I'm not sure what's causing it... but i think it's someone... or at least I know some things with them have led me to start thinking differently again, despite their best efforts... some of their actions have pushed me in a negative manner. I've gotta fix that particular section of my life with them and hopefully that'll help..

I don't want to head towards the dark again. I dislike it so much.

I guess this isn't so much a blog rather than some goals and a reminder to myself to keep on track.

Hopefully, soon I will have a good long blog. I want to pour my heart out on the page in some philosophical spiel that will open the eyes of anyone who reads it. Something to intrigue the mind. But before I can do so, I've got to get some of the clutter out of my mind that is blocking my thoughts.. as well as finish my Trig homework.. lol..

with that, I bid you, or really me, adieu

I blame Austin.

Because now I'm gonna talk about things that i think are beautiful. A happy blog to follow the slightly melancholy blog I finished a few minutes ago.

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I am a constant preacher of that which is beauty. I try to make it apparent to all those in contact with me, that we should all respect the beauty of others and everything in our world.

I've never understood how someone could pick at someone's appearence or the likes or dislikes of something. How people could pick at someones personality. But it's human to err and I respect that.

Something we all should know, is we are ALL beautiful.

You may not think the girl to your left is pretty, but to someone else she is, and even then, that does not mean she is not beautiful.

Beautiful is not only in appearance. It's in action. It's in simplicity. It's in a feeling.

Love is beautiful. Not just a couples love, a family's love, a father's love, a friend's love, a dog's love, a grandfather's love.. etc

Innocence is beautiful.

Simplicity is beautiful.

The broken are beautiful.

The courageous are beautiful.

Everything, everyone, is beautiful.

This chair to my right is beautiful. I mean it. It has a crack running across where you sit. It gives it character. Though you may not see it, I bet a photographer could show you it's beauty just by the corruption of an angle.

A child holding a father's hand is beautiful.

The penny on the ground, that has touched the lives of so many people, yea I still think it's beautiful.

The guy in your class that is extremely obnoxious, is beautiful. Trust me.. he may be annoying but there beauty with in him.

Beauty is joy.

Beauty is laughter.

The ability to express one's feelings... is beautiful.

gahhh i could go on forever.. and this isn't even well constructed. It's just a ramble. but I don't care. You know why? Because it's my beautifully unstructured, random blog, on beauty..that I would've wrote eventually but felt the urge to because Austin wrote one..

so yea I blame him. But that's okaybecause He and his blog are/is/was beautiful.

And so is anyone reading this.

and blah blah blah beauty.

I challenge you to seriously take a stroll outside and really look around. Look at all the things you normally look past. Look at people, think about their life story. Look at the ground you step on. Look at the candy wrapper on the ground. Look at the bird searching for worms and really think about it. Everything is beautiful. Knowing that will make everything more enjoyable.

With that, I bid you farewell, I have a paper to write on time management.. *hopefully* my teacher will think my paper is beautiful too..

Im in a indie music mood today..

A girl drowning in her own thoughts; Her hands barely break the surface..
She's no angel, but she stumbles on her clipped wings and tattered spirit..
The perils seems endless, but the journey is still on..

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Do you ever just want to get away? I don't mean take a drive or one of those midnight walks where the wind chills your face and numbs your pain. I mean really get away. Like a whole other dimension. Jump straight into a book, skip across the words and dive right into some other life?

Let the troubles slip away, be them simple or extreme.. left to taunt the barren ground of the life you just left..

hm.. just a question, just a thought.

Too bad we can't, even for just a few hours. Though I think we have a mediocre way of doing that.. I believe its called.. vacation..

or sometimes it's an asylum..

ya know, whatever floats your boat.

I don't have a boating license so.. I'm just out of luck I suppose..

Hm. So, now what? A rant? I splash of emotion as I spill out my thoughts about my stupid dilemma? I think not.

I think I'll just get a bit scatter brained.. maybe give a little wisdom here or there. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just discuss something completely pointless, but still something to think about.

I don't know what to expect of this blog. But I'm just gonna go with it..

--

So, I started this blog last night, but didn't want to be up all night typing my heart out and not get enough sleep...because I'd then procrastinate on a paper I needed to type...
and guess whhhatttt?!

I STILL haven't started my paper.. despite my efforts. Now I'm procrastinating even more.

but anyway onward with the blogging..

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I question our species a lot. We are a sad species, are we not?

Think about it.

- We are the ONLY species that kills the STRONGEST rather than weakest (i.e. wolves attack the slower weaker or younger animals..so both groups can still survive).

-We are the ONLY species to kill TRULY for sport of it.

-We are the ONLY species to truly abuse our intelligence

-We think we're so much better than others that we even start attacking our own species if they don't meet our certain criteria (beauty, money, etc).

Well i guess more or less I question the morale of society rather than the actual species but still, you get the point. -- I started this blog forever ago and I'm trying to finish it so I just typed out some points, sorry that this blog is so scattered.
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So, I started this blog last semester (and as you can see from the above sentence) I am finishing it today. I want to continue the original beginning of the blog, not the rant about society. I can do that any time, haha. I swear I am an optimist.. I just have my moments where I must rant.

But seriously, who hasn't wanted to get away from it all. Seriously away. Just stop time for a while..

Take it slow, slower than slow. Literally a break from life. Just walk in the calm. It would be amazing.

Maybe take a trip back to childhood. Become carefree again, back when school or work didn't consume you. Back when the worst part of your day was a scraped knee or a shortened recess.

I think our bodies try to create this little synapse in life for us to fall into and take a break. It's like when you go through your day and life passes you by, you sit in class but take absolutely nothing in. It's like you did all your work but you were never there. It's like your mind can't take it anymore so it takes all that you are somewhere in the depths of your soul, and even you can't find the way out. Have you ever felt like that? It doesn't exactly feel good.

In ,it's a slight numb and empty feeling. You feel like you've lost yourself, you are stuck in a lull and everything else is moving around you. But then later (who knows how long it takes) you suddenly come back. You're you. It's like your mind let you relax, while your body did the work, then you come back refreshed.

Has that ever happened to you? You just feel *off*, not *yourself*.. and it hurts.. and then eventually, for no reason, you feel fine again.. sure with the coming back of yourself you may cry or sit and question why, but you are back to yourself again... and feeling a lot better.

I don't know, maybe I'm just full of crap and want to make an explanation to why that happens. But it seems logical. You detach yourself only in the end to feel yourself more.

hm. lol