Everyone loves the pursuit. The chase.
It's a rush, knowing you may achieve something new and exciting.
But why, WHY does that change for some people once they get what they want? How do you go from complete dedication to lack there of?
I feel as though people are never satisfied; no matter how good some have it, they still want more--which leads to narcissitic actions and constant dissatisfaction/competition/envy.
You begin to want more, you neglect what you already have..
Take life in stride, appreciate what you have...be humbled by what you've been graced with, including both possessions and people within your life.
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. Robert A. Heinlein
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
A fresh start
The pins are out. The tethers are unbound.
I took all the damage I could take; it's over now and I feel great. In the light of this new happiness I feel as though I am on the path to the restoration of my old self.
I've realized what the term 'Love hurts' means, or at least what it means to me. Love hurts when it's not returned. Love hurts when you give it and the receiver doesn't think it's enough. Love hurts because it's what everyone wants, but not everyone receives.
I realized that the good I was doing in my past relationship was not enough for him or I to be satisfied. I realized that I had the short end of the stick for a while and that I was no longer in love with him, rather the idea of having someone love me. He decided he was going different places than I. He decided that the relationship had major issues. He realized he wasn't treating me well. We realized we both have things to work on. We decided to deviate from each others life destinations, but still stay within walking distance of each others paths. Friends at long last.
I've stumbled across a new relationship and it feels great. It's the first time in YEARS that someone has honestly put effort into building a stronger relationship with me, get to know me, or even listen to me.
I finally feel worth the fight to someone else. It's a great feeling--to love and be loved. No manipulations, no insults; support and communication!
I lost myself along the way in the past and now I've finally got the motivation to become everything I once was and then some:).
I took all the damage I could take; it's over now and I feel great. In the light of this new happiness I feel as though I am on the path to the restoration of my old self.
I've realized what the term 'Love hurts' means, or at least what it means to me. Love hurts when it's not returned. Love hurts when you give it and the receiver doesn't think it's enough. Love hurts because it's what everyone wants, but not everyone receives.
I realized that the good I was doing in my past relationship was not enough for him or I to be satisfied. I realized that I had the short end of the stick for a while and that I was no longer in love with him, rather the idea of having someone love me. He decided he was going different places than I. He decided that the relationship had major issues. He realized he wasn't treating me well. We realized we both have things to work on. We decided to deviate from each others life destinations, but still stay within walking distance of each others paths. Friends at long last.
I've stumbled across a new relationship and it feels great. It's the first time in YEARS that someone has honestly put effort into building a stronger relationship with me, get to know me, or even listen to me.
I finally feel worth the fight to someone else. It's a great feeling--to love and be loved. No manipulations, no insults; support and communication!
I lost myself along the way in the past and now I've finally got the motivation to become everything I once was and then some:).
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
It still hurts. Hurts to know that no matter what I did...no matter how hard I tried... I'd not earn your respect. Your effort. Your attention. You became what I told you was my biggest fear. You did exactly what you said you'd never do. Time together, for me, was really just time alone.
Now I am free. It took only a second for me to earn what was never achievable with you, through another. Irony.
Thankfully, we both have learned from this experience. No regrets. Everything happens for a reason--what I suffered through, furthered you--and for all that you did for me, for everything you tolerated in the beginning, for the past you helped me let go...I am furthered and forever thankful.
I hope you can find what I've found. I'd say I've got 'The Best' right now...I wish the same to you.
Now I am free. It took only a second for me to earn what was never achievable with you, through another. Irony.
Thankfully, we both have learned from this experience. No regrets. Everything happens for a reason--what I suffered through, furthered you--and for all that you did for me, for everything you tolerated in the beginning, for the past you helped me let go...I am furthered and forever thankful.
I hope you can find what I've found. I'd say I've got 'The Best' right now...I wish the same to you.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
A few words.
I fear what will happen with our generation..
Seems much of today's society --though this a bold statement, seeing that I'm only exposed to a small area... but media has shown this as well-- seems to push education, learning, ambition, the good of the whole...on the back burner.
It seems that many people my age, still don't know themselves. Now, I'm not saying I know myself fully, or that I know others well...I mean, to know someone, is a life time....thus that is not an easily achieved task--but I think we have more who are lost than those who are found.
Our society has come to love the image they portray better than being honest to themselves and who they are. I know many people who just take on bits and pieces of others lives to make themselves accepted by those people, rather than just being who they are. What do you achieve from that, other than satisfaction in keeping a person near you? You lose another person in the process. Too many people compromise what's important to them to appeal to those with different opinions.
So we have people running around, lost about what they truly want and who they actually are, all for the fact they want to appeal to everyone. At the same time, many of said people, aren't willing to work for those for whom they want to impress. Our generation is selfish. We work for ourselves and hope that things such as education are handed over to us. I've honestly seen a massive decline in the interest in knowledge in the past 3 years than I have my whole life. I know people strictly bound to technology like the internet as their only form of entertainment. There is a whole world out there to go out and be explored, but we'd rather just read about it on a computer screen. HA and reading, ACTUAL reading... seems to be a rarity. I know I had 8 guys in a class my senior year who literally never read a book besides those required in classes at school-- and that was only if they couldn't get out of reading the books themselves.
It saddens me, but then again, this is just an opinion. I feel so accomplished after going out and experiencing the world, meeting new people, trying my best to be well rounded in every area, to say I've experienced more than just the inside of my house. I think the reason why so many people in our day and age are so lonely, so depressed, or so dependent on meager recreational stimulants is because we've lost our ability to socialize and entertain ourselves on our own. We've nothing to talk about because we've not tried to expand ourselves.
I don't know. This could just be an attack of my pessimism--it doesn't usually show itself. I just feel that people are missing out. That if they embraced more of what is around them, they may feel a little better about life itself. But then again, what's fun to me is not to another.
hm. this was a terrible rant. All I'm saying is the world is a beautiful place and knowledge is a beautiful thing. Go out and embrace it. Learn and let learn.
Seems much of today's society --though this a bold statement, seeing that I'm only exposed to a small area... but media has shown this as well-- seems to push education, learning, ambition, the good of the whole...on the back burner.
It seems that many people my age, still don't know themselves. Now, I'm not saying I know myself fully, or that I know others well...I mean, to know someone, is a life time....thus that is not an easily achieved task--but I think we have more who are lost than those who are found.
Our society has come to love the image they portray better than being honest to themselves and who they are. I know many people who just take on bits and pieces of others lives to make themselves accepted by those people, rather than just being who they are. What do you achieve from that, other than satisfaction in keeping a person near you? You lose another person in the process. Too many people compromise what's important to them to appeal to those with different opinions.
So we have people running around, lost about what they truly want and who they actually are, all for the fact they want to appeal to everyone. At the same time, many of said people, aren't willing to work for those for whom they want to impress. Our generation is selfish. We work for ourselves and hope that things such as education are handed over to us. I've honestly seen a massive decline in the interest in knowledge in the past 3 years than I have my whole life. I know people strictly bound to technology like the internet as their only form of entertainment. There is a whole world out there to go out and be explored, but we'd rather just read about it on a computer screen. HA and reading, ACTUAL reading... seems to be a rarity. I know I had 8 guys in a class my senior year who literally never read a book besides those required in classes at school-- and that was only if they couldn't get out of reading the books themselves.
It saddens me, but then again, this is just an opinion. I feel so accomplished after going out and experiencing the world, meeting new people, trying my best to be well rounded in every area, to say I've experienced more than just the inside of my house. I think the reason why so many people in our day and age are so lonely, so depressed, or so dependent on meager recreational stimulants is because we've lost our ability to socialize and entertain ourselves on our own. We've nothing to talk about because we've not tried to expand ourselves.
I don't know. This could just be an attack of my pessimism--it doesn't usually show itself. I just feel that people are missing out. That if they embraced more of what is around them, they may feel a little better about life itself. But then again, what's fun to me is not to another.
hm. this was a terrible rant. All I'm saying is the world is a beautiful place and knowledge is a beautiful thing. Go out and embrace it. Learn and let learn.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A reply I saw on a forum once...
Biblical Contradictions Forum---I just like how they replied (can't find the link anymore)
"There is no contradiction, merely a level of specifics and knowledge that is different. The contradiction is only there if you choose to make it that way.
If you go through the Bible looking for contradictions you will no doubt "find them" and if you go through these "contradictions" looking for explanations, you will no doubt find them as well. It is all based on your presupposed mindset. I look for answers. You look for questions. Either way we'll find them.
Go out in nature sometime. Look for life. You'll find it. Look for death. You'll find that too. The only requirement to be dead is that it once lived. Personally, I'd rather look for life."
Religious or not--- I like how they portrayed this.
"There is no contradiction, merely a level of specifics and knowledge that is different. The contradiction is only there if you choose to make it that way.
If you go through the Bible looking for contradictions you will no doubt "find them" and if you go through these "contradictions" looking for explanations, you will no doubt find them as well. It is all based on your presupposed mindset. I look for answers. You look for questions. Either way we'll find them.
Go out in nature sometime. Look for life. You'll find it. Look for death. You'll find that too. The only requirement to be dead is that it once lived. Personally, I'd rather look for life."
Religious or not--- I like how they portrayed this.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Instead of living for the moment, how about living in the moment?
I've been thinking a lot lately. We all have so many ambitions, loves, focuses that we speed through each and every day so that we can experience life to it's "fullest", or to get to the point we want to for that particular day; but what are we missing in those moments?
How often do you look at something? I mean truly look at it, take in it's beauty? For some, it may be more often than others, but are you really taking it in?
I laid in bed this morning, my first snow day this year, on the phone with Jake. He's speaking of how his day is already going down hill; I have the covers pulled up over my head, my hand pressed up holding them from my face and I'm staring directly up. I asked him to do the same and asked him what he saw... nothing. Absolutely nothing.
but for me it was different. I know this is a stretch but this is just how my mind works-- my room was dimly lit from the light outside peaking through the blinds... so, despite my blanket being a dark navy blue, it was lightened.... and as it lay held above me, it looked just like the sky before a storm... Like I was reaching up and touching the sky...
I enjoy making connections like that, looking at things and interpreting them in different manners... To think that some material household item could resemble the beauty of an oncoming storm...and here I am in the clouds. Jake was a tad thrown off... but that was to be expected....
Now is that beauty? Is that a moment, a connection -making a mere blanket resemble a moment in nature..- to be remember? I don't know, but I liked it.
More of what I'm getting at, is people need to slow down. Take time to make a connection with your surroundings. Enjoy the little moments.
When I have the time, I tend to go to the bedroom (in the dorm) and I sit up on our radiator, resting my back against my bedpost and I just stare out the window. Take in the whole view. The lights from the buildings, the hustle and bustle of the birds that are so often over looked, the mountains in the background, and the people. Those just going on living their lives. and I think to myself, I wish people saw the world the way I do.
I could stare out at the world forever. It is so beautiful. Whether it be the land, the man made architecture, or the people-be them misunderstood, good, bad, charming, imperfect, awkward, egotistical, oblivious...whatever they may be. It's just fascinating.
Every time I walk down the hall to our dorm, I get lost staring out the windows (they extend from beginning to the end of the hall). I'll watch snowflakes fall, sometimes just one in particular--watching it plummet to its inevitable fate to become whole with the community covering the ground. I enjoy taking it slow, taking in these views-because if you miss that moment, how will you ever get it back?
Sure, you may have homework to do, a class to go to, a date with a friend... but a minute to appreciate the beauty around you wont hurt one bit.
I'm at a loss of words on ending this because I have more to say...but I can never seem to find the words... so it'll have to end early...
How often do you look at something? I mean truly look at it, take in it's beauty? For some, it may be more often than others, but are you really taking it in?
I laid in bed this morning, my first snow day this year, on the phone with Jake. He's speaking of how his day is already going down hill; I have the covers pulled up over my head, my hand pressed up holding them from my face and I'm staring directly up. I asked him to do the same and asked him what he saw... nothing. Absolutely nothing.
but for me it was different. I know this is a stretch but this is just how my mind works-- my room was dimly lit from the light outside peaking through the blinds... so, despite my blanket being a dark navy blue, it was lightened.... and as it lay held above me, it looked just like the sky before a storm... Like I was reaching up and touching the sky...
I enjoy making connections like that, looking at things and interpreting them in different manners... To think that some material household item could resemble the beauty of an oncoming storm...and here I am in the clouds. Jake was a tad thrown off... but that was to be expected....
Now is that beauty? Is that a moment, a connection -making a mere blanket resemble a moment in nature..- to be remember? I don't know, but I liked it.
More of what I'm getting at, is people need to slow down. Take time to make a connection with your surroundings. Enjoy the little moments.
When I have the time, I tend to go to the bedroom (in the dorm) and I sit up on our radiator, resting my back against my bedpost and I just stare out the window. Take in the whole view. The lights from the buildings, the hustle and bustle of the birds that are so often over looked, the mountains in the background, and the people. Those just going on living their lives. and I think to myself, I wish people saw the world the way I do.
I could stare out at the world forever. It is so beautiful. Whether it be the land, the man made architecture, or the people-be them misunderstood, good, bad, charming, imperfect, awkward, egotistical, oblivious...whatever they may be. It's just fascinating.
Every time I walk down the hall to our dorm, I get lost staring out the windows (they extend from beginning to the end of the hall). I'll watch snowflakes fall, sometimes just one in particular--watching it plummet to its inevitable fate to become whole with the community covering the ground. I enjoy taking it slow, taking in these views-because if you miss that moment, how will you ever get it back?
Sure, you may have homework to do, a class to go to, a date with a friend... but a minute to appreciate the beauty around you wont hurt one bit.
I'm at a loss of words on ending this because I have more to say...but I can never seem to find the words... so it'll have to end early...
Friday, January 8, 2010
Sharing is caring.. hmm...right? yes.
Oh the power of Love. No seriously. It's incredible. I will honestly say, I truly agree with the saying "With Love, all things are possible.". For all of you who are still thinking incredulously, seriously consider this:
Love truly knows no boundaries:
To love someone is to put them before yourself, to love them unconditionally. Love them, flaws included.
Love means forgiveness. Love means no grudges. Love means relief. Love means no suicide -- to truly love, you must first love yourself. Not to mention, if we all put forth the love we should, then everyone would know someone loves them... but in today's society, so many seem in question. They don't feel loved, so they change themselves to please others. Or they isolate themselves. Or they take it out on others or on themselves.
Love means no more bullies. Think about that next time you want to laugh at another persons expense. Are you being loving through that action? You may not love that person as you do a family member or lover, but they're still a person...a living, breathing thing. Love them.
Love means no wars. Love means acceptance. Love means no ugly. Love means no hatred.
I'm telling you, it's an amazing thing.
And to be 'IN' love. Well that's a whole separate feat in itself. A special phenomenon that occurs between you and that special someone. If you've not experienced it, just you wait. It's quite a feeling. Knowing that no matter what, you have someone there to turn to. It's an amazing comfort. You'll begin to love things about the person that most people would overlook; the way their hair looks when they first wake, the way they smile before they kiss you, the weird quirks they have, the way they walk...everything! Small actions become the most cherished, like they way it feels when they hold you, the look they give you when it's just the two of you, the small glances from across a room, the look they give when they're worried, the little sayings that keep you going like 'have a good day' or 'you're amazing'. I can't express how such simple things take on a new meaning. Like when those cheesy sayings/scenes in movies actually mean something--i.e., I'm sure somewhere in some chick flick, the saying "you mean the world to me" has been said, and for most of us....those scenes are predictable and if you've seen enough of those films, just slightly cliche and unbelievable. However, once you actually experienced it and find someone who truly does mean everything to you... those cheesy sayings are then real to you.
It's a fascinating feeling. Having all your burdens, worries, thoughts, emotions, events, actions...shared with another person... it makes your heart light. I'm very thankful to have been able to experience what I consider to be, being "in love". I've gained so much from it, I've grown as a person and I've grown emotionally... but most of all it's helped me to love more. To be more open to loving everyone, although I've always been open minded and the kind of person to not tolerate unkindness, including in myself--in fact, mostly in myself. I just wish I could view me, as he sees me. Wouldn't that be great, to love ourselves to the height at which our family, friends or partners love us? Though maybe there are those confident and self loved enough to say they do... but what a feeling that must be. To see the beauty at which we are that at which our lovers mind has been so open to see.
I fear that we often forget our own beauty or our obsessions over our own flaws mask what is truly great about us. Then again, maybe that problem just lies with me. I have so many flaws that it scares me from being completely outgoing or open with stuff because of fear that if anyone knows all of my flaws that they may not love me anymore. I know, that's not how I or anyone should ever feel. So, why do I let it stop me? I don't know, but for this problem... I have my boyfriend there to help...I've gotten past so many things because he's helped me see some of my worth. He really has no idea how much in debt I am to him. I'm finally past...well...my past--or at least more so than I ever was.
Where am I going with this? I know, it is not nicely written... I know I digress/lose track of what I am saying... but what I mean is that when you show someone love (as my friends, family, and boyfriend have), you empower them to see things more positively, to better themselves, to better others.
You should never hold back love. Love wherever love can be given. open your hearts and in doing so you will open your minds. Love has given me a second chance to love myself. And that for me is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Don't forget that.
I have no clue how to end this blog because I do not feel accomplished in my point, the blog feels messy, and I've always sucked at conclusions to my thoughts... in fact in most situations where I speak my mind I end it with saying sorry because I don't know when to stop and then I feel as though I've kill everything I just said or that may my beliefs are stupid. I can't stand when I do that. One should always stick to their beliefs. Don't feel bad for having morale, for rambling, for sticking to your word, for not compromising.
blah that's a whole other topic though. I need to stop. ok. finished. Terrible ending. Didn't quite quench my thirst for explaining importance of showing love or how love can feel... so maybe another time...
but for now I'll take a break...I have 2 ideas for blogs-- soon to come.
Love truly knows no boundaries:
To love someone is to put them before yourself, to love them unconditionally. Love them, flaws included.
Love means forgiveness. Love means no grudges. Love means relief. Love means no suicide -- to truly love, you must first love yourself. Not to mention, if we all put forth the love we should, then everyone would know someone loves them... but in today's society, so many seem in question. They don't feel loved, so they change themselves to please others. Or they isolate themselves. Or they take it out on others or on themselves.
Love means no more bullies. Think about that next time you want to laugh at another persons expense. Are you being loving through that action? You may not love that person as you do a family member or lover, but they're still a person...a living, breathing thing. Love them.
Love means no wars. Love means acceptance. Love means no ugly. Love means no hatred.
I'm telling you, it's an amazing thing.
And to be 'IN' love. Well that's a whole separate feat in itself. A special phenomenon that occurs between you and that special someone. If you've not experienced it, just you wait. It's quite a feeling. Knowing that no matter what, you have someone there to turn to. It's an amazing comfort. You'll begin to love things about the person that most people would overlook; the way their hair looks when they first wake, the way they smile before they kiss you, the weird quirks they have, the way they walk...everything! Small actions become the most cherished, like they way it feels when they hold you, the look they give you when it's just the two of you, the small glances from across a room, the look they give when they're worried, the little sayings that keep you going like 'have a good day' or 'you're amazing'. I can't express how such simple things take on a new meaning. Like when those cheesy sayings/scenes in movies actually mean something--i.e., I'm sure somewhere in some chick flick, the saying "you mean the world to me" has been said, and for most of us....those scenes are predictable and if you've seen enough of those films, just slightly cliche and unbelievable. However, once you actually experienced it and find someone who truly does mean everything to you... those cheesy sayings are then real to you.
It's a fascinating feeling. Having all your burdens, worries, thoughts, emotions, events, actions...shared with another person... it makes your heart light. I'm very thankful to have been able to experience what I consider to be, being "in love". I've gained so much from it, I've grown as a person and I've grown emotionally... but most of all it's helped me to love more. To be more open to loving everyone, although I've always been open minded and the kind of person to not tolerate unkindness, including in myself--in fact, mostly in myself. I just wish I could view me, as he sees me. Wouldn't that be great, to love ourselves to the height at which our family, friends or partners love us? Though maybe there are those confident and self loved enough to say they do... but what a feeling that must be. To see the beauty at which we are that at which our lovers mind has been so open to see.
I fear that we often forget our own beauty or our obsessions over our own flaws mask what is truly great about us. Then again, maybe that problem just lies with me. I have so many flaws that it scares me from being completely outgoing or open with stuff because of fear that if anyone knows all of my flaws that they may not love me anymore. I know, that's not how I or anyone should ever feel. So, why do I let it stop me? I don't know, but for this problem... I have my boyfriend there to help...I've gotten past so many things because he's helped me see some of my worth. He really has no idea how much in debt I am to him. I'm finally past...well...my past--or at least more so than I ever was.
Where am I going with this? I know, it is not nicely written... I know I digress/lose track of what I am saying... but what I mean is that when you show someone love (as my friends, family, and boyfriend have), you empower them to see things more positively, to better themselves, to better others.
You should never hold back love. Love wherever love can be given. open your hearts and in doing so you will open your minds. Love has given me a second chance to love myself. And that for me is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Don't forget that.
I have no clue how to end this blog because I do not feel accomplished in my point, the blog feels messy, and I've always sucked at conclusions to my thoughts... in fact in most situations where I speak my mind I end it with saying sorry because I don't know when to stop and then I feel as though I've kill everything I just said or that may my beliefs are stupid. I can't stand when I do that. One should always stick to their beliefs. Don't feel bad for having morale, for rambling, for sticking to your word, for not compromising.
blah that's a whole other topic though. I need to stop. ok. finished. Terrible ending. Didn't quite quench my thirst for explaining importance of showing love or how love can feel... so maybe another time...
but for now I'll take a break...I have 2 ideas for blogs-- soon to come.
It's been a long day, always...
I'm so out of habit, I've fallen of the writing wagon. I'm not sure if I still have this down. Can I still wrap words into an enticing sentence? Can I still express myself better on the page than out the mouth? I'm not sure. I feel quite out of shape. I have so much bottled up in my brain that I feel as though it may burst and all that I will try to express on this blog will just become one babbling run on of incoherence. But if I don't start this up again, I feel I'll lose the art of writing well and the art or expressing my thoughts completely. I find blogging as an extreme release. It relaxes me; if taken seriously, blogging can be as intimate as those moments shared laying with a friend, lost in the most philosophical of conversations. Though what I've written on this blog shadow in comparison to what I've in my past blogs--not on this site-- which travel deep within my thoughts, nothing held back. I would really enjoy to get back into that habit. I want to go back to before I made this blog, back to the blogs of myspace, livejournal, and those written in the many diaries in my room. I want to be understood, I want my words heard (well read). I know nothing I've written in the last year as been worthy of much respect or even a second glance...but I hope maybe soon I can accomplish something that will please anyone who reads them; something to make someone serious sit down and ponder.
Anyway, well here I am. I'm back.
Anyway, well here I am. I'm back.
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