sigh.

blog from myspace:
It took me a while but I think those memories are slowly washing away. They were never encompassed in love but rather in amazement, kindness, and later deception. I thought I had finally found something, someone that I was connected with; something worth confiding in. I found that I was wrong and that I should just move on. I had a whimsical moment filled with wisdom in which i finally let go. I let go of those false feelings. I think I've let go of this beauty for good. Of couse I will always have an association, but never have what I wanted; needed. But that's alright now. I'm okay.

Off of that note, I feel like talking of myself. Not sure why.

When I'm troubled and seek out a place to contemplate, I do not lurk in my room, but rather (strangely) i crawl behind the table in the dining room and lay on the rug placed in front of the backdoor. I can focus my thoughts in peace, i feel more at ease than on an man-made furniture and I feel.. secluded. Since I was little, if i ever needed to "get away" this is where I'd go. For some reason, I am always passed by unnoticed when I lie in that spot.

If I am stressed I take runs/walks.. Nature has a calming effect like one cant imagine. Cold air can clear one's thoughts in a matter of seconds. These walks are more intimate at night, allowing you.. and only you their presence.

I tend to listen to sad music when upset, and depending on what I'm upset about I usually listen to music associated with what's making me upset. If anything it just makes the pain more real and I'm not quite sure why I do this, I guess to experience it all..

I always feel rushed except when I'm alone.

I need more time.

I need to improve myself a lot.

I hate make-up and you will not convince me to use it until I am completely accepting of myself and am sure that it will not be used as a crutch.


I have more to say but my intuitive mood has left me with a lethargic, "i dont wanna type or talk about myself mood".. lol so this was really random :\ have fun.
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Came here to post that but now i have another blog.
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"SIGH"

The loud click of the door followed by hard movements. A cold voice and hushed words. The silence, then the shift of weight followed by more cold words. Another petty fight. Another fraught of hurtful words. The tinge in the voice on the verge of crying.

My brother and his girlfriend always fight. I want them to be together forever but they get angered over such little things because they are both selfish (yet not), both lacking esteem, both jealous.. I'm not sure what this one is about but it seems my brothers girlfriend is mad that he talked on the phone....because he called a guy friend?

these fights are not seldom (well they actually haven't fought for a long time but the fights used to be regular) and rarely do they pertain to something worth fighting over. I can see both arguments and most of the time one person is EXTREMELY at fault while the other isn't at all, be it one overreacting or one doing something offending. I hate it. What's worse is HOW they argue. The things I've heard them say, are just horrible. HORRIBLE. The kinds of words that rip apart your soul. Those that you can't take back in an apology no matter how much you didn't mean them.

I hate hate hate hate hate arguments. So fierce.. so painful.

My brother is one who must make sure every little detail is precise. He's very analytical. Ex: He'll say something, and I say oh I know and he'll retort with you don't know that how could you have known that?

Its just how i respond sometimes.

Now his girlfriend, is a sweetheart but is incredibly in need of my brother. She needs to be around him ALL THE TIME and she is uber jealous. She will not tolerate the mention of his ex girlfriends.

They are now full on fighting. He just completely used every curse word possible. F F F F F between every word. I don't care what she did or how wrong, you do not use those words in an argument.

She didn't apologize sincerely, she still thinks she's right, he tried to prevent the fight apparently I heard him say it.. but then she apparently kept egging it on so he went out side and is currently screaming on the phone at the top of his lungs.

it makes me shudder.

I dont understand. I just DONT.

I definitely see WHY he's mad

but..

it's ridiculous.

Let it F'n go.

He's leaving the house now and I'm rather afraid of what's going to happen.

My brother has major MAJOR anger problems.

He just left the house in a matter of seconds.

I assume to confront her. Its freakin 3 days after christmas and he's already saying he hates her.

I hope to god he doesn't do something dumb or get hurt because when you're mad, you're not exactly alert. --I'll update later

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update...

everythings fine now, he didnt o anything wrong and since then they've fought like twice and i've come to realize its not all one sided, majority of their fights is actually brits fault--she seems to get mad much easier than my brother.. and now My mom and I have sat with him and figured out a way in which he can get around her way of fighting so that neither of them get mad-er lol... woo! and they havent fought since that lil counciling session.

hmmm holiday season

Now that Christmas has met its annual end, I feel as though I should write a blog.

This Christmas season felt extremely different from the last. I knew it would be different in some ways, simply because my family is now different. But the way in which is most differed from any other year was the lack of it's true meaning. I can honestly say this year I didn't focus on what Christmas is all about, not purposely mind you. I just was rushed because I had no time to shop because of school and work. But I did try to keep the ideals in mind. Especially when I heard friends bragging about their gifts. I'm happy that they got something nice, but it's not what the main focus of christmas is. I still have friends that go snooping under the tree and shaking boxes. I have friends who beg their parents to let them open their presents early. Not only that (and this is just my opinion/how I was raised) many of them got many expensive gifts yet still wanted more; My family isn't the exactly rich, but usually when we get our gifts there is one "expensive" gift and the rest are not as expensive. My friends seem to just want a bunch of high priced technology that will eventually outdate. Idk, like one of my friends got a ring with her birthstone, a laptop,the new ipod (not the itouch or w/e), 150 giftcard to mall, then about 6 more giftcards. On top of all that, she was disappointed that she didnt get a car. She hassels her grandparents about it, jokingly but she stil expects one. It bugs me because she's so lucky already. Idk it just bugs me, maybe it's because I dont get more expensive stuff? But i dont think thats it, I mean i do wish my family was better off, but I am in no need of technology to entertain myself. I just think that due to todays technology based society, all we want is more more more, especially this time of year when really we should just focus on the family, friends, and god. Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but some of it is just perks. It's good to have a few, but to want all of them is too much.

Now i'm just rambling. This blog isn't turning out how I wanted too....so I'm gonna stop writing this one. ..

The cruelity of a joke

So let me tell you about tonight. Okay, my whole day was out of sink... I screwed up a lot today.. but it got better. (btw this was written right when I got home so I apologize for any errors and for the whole "written as if i was talking/formal" paragraph style)

After work I went home and relaxed, then I was going to go out and buy my grandma her Christmas gift and Chrislee a gift (yea, It took me 3 days to shop, just in case you're reading Austin). Well I called Sam and Chrislee to let them know and Sam said i had a surprise at her house and to come over. I told them I'd be over in a little bit, so I left and went out to office depot and bout blank cd's (yes chrislee wanted blank cd's) then across the street to my work to say hello to my fellow employees who I saw an hour ago lol. I bought cookies (for Sam and Chrislee) and gum, then left to go to O'Charley's to buy a gift certificate.

When I was leaving I got a call from chrislee and she asked where I was at and I said leaving remke. Then a few minutes late I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. The text said: "Hey =)" I responded with hey, who's this? They replied with "I'm your stalker". I took this as a joke and cleverly responded with "oh i have tons of those so narrow it down for me please =)". Their response kinda creeped me out.. "ok, I know that you are 18 and your bday is 10 12 89 and you live on (insert my address here). " I replied by saying wrong address (they had number wrong).

At this point I was kinda creeped out but knew I had a few friends who it could be. They replied with "Im 48 yrs old and my names james and i know every thing about you =)" I still figured it was a joke so I said "yea sure, who is this" Then I got the message that scared me to death. "I watched you walk into biggs around 10:43 and you bought 2 pairs of pajamas" I hadn't told anyone where or what I bought last night, other than Sam and Chrislee because they were with me. I called Sam and chrislee picked up the phone. I asked if she or Sam had given out my number.

Chrislee said no and asked why and when I explained she was like "oh wow thats creepy" and I was like no it's not just creepy it's scary as hell. At this point I was shaking and at O'charleys walking inside. I then got another text sayin what my car was and what hangs from my mirror. I was shaking the whole time and was afraid to go back outside and I called sam and asked her if she recognized the number and she acted like she didnt even know about the texts.. which surprised me. Then when I was leaving they text me saying "are you single" and I freaked out and didn't respond.

a few minutes later I received a text saying "come on baby". Then I replied with "seriously who is this, is it Sean?" and they replied "no it's James baby boo". I was still suspicious but too freaked out to even care. I was paranoid and constantly on the look out. When I was driving towards Sam I got a text that said "you want to know something?" I freaked out and called Chrislee and told her to wait outside because I thought they might be behind me because the person behind me was using a cell at the time. Chrislee asked what car it was and stuff.. and I was half way crying.. and when I hung up I was so freaked out and was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled up to Sam's. Chrislee came outside and said shuana was inside and that that was my surprise. I asked her if it was shuana who text me and she said no.

I went inside (shaking), went in sams room and shuana tried to hug me but i didn't let her. I had got a text saying it was a joke but they wouldn't say who it was, they wouldn't respond either. I gave chrislee her gift and sam just kinda said hi. We all talked and they all tried to convince me that it was a joke or that it had to be someone I knew that I told. But i kept telling them I didn't tell anyone. I text my youth group and my work to see if anyone gave my number out, and ended up having to tell everyone what happened. We ended up calling the number but all it did was go straight to voicemail.

Shuana and Chrislee stayed til 11, then left. Right after they left I got a text from the number that said "you're going to hate me when I tell you who this is" I was like god i just want to know who it is. Sam looked at me and was like uh. and I was like you know? and she said yes and said she's not supposed to tell. I asked her to and she said it was Shuana. I text Shuana and said, "Shuana" and she said "No" then replied and kept saying sorry and that it wasn't just her.

Sam went into full detail.

I'm glad Sam told me, and I'm less mad at her since really all she did was provide some details. (she also gave hints that it was shuana but i never caught on cuz i was so scared). I had almost not gone to Sam's and called the cops/cincy bell.

I'm just kinda hurt, I know it went to far and they didnt mean anything by it. But it bugs me that no one told me. Sam said she would've if she got me alone, she just didnt want to hurt shuana either since shuana asked her not to tell. In the least Sam should've text me. Chrislee didn't try at all. Not only was she on the phone with me when I cried, but she played along to, sam said she even wanted to lie about it. She also lied TO MY FACE about it being Shuana. She also had me call her when I left Sam's and (she didn't know I knew) didn't try to tell me whatsoever. Shuana should've told me instead of blaming john (my friend, she made it should like it could of been him). She should've told me instead of letting me rant and worry.

I'm just hurt but I know by tomorrow I'll be fine. It went way to far and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. That's not something you joke about, it's to common in society today. If you're gonna joke, then send like 2 texts and say you're kidding don't make a whole night of it.

Okay

Everything is okay (I'm sorry for my massively bi-polar blogs.) I think last week I fell into a temporary depression because of some of the past that had recently been brought up, that along with the stress of school, Christmas, work, family trouble, and some guy trouble too. I'm feeling great this week, or at least today I am! I think it's because today has been the first "STRESS FREE-NOTHING TO DO BUT DO WHAT I WANT" day, I've had in a long time. I finished all my school work except 1 thing, which isn't due til wednesday.

Anyway, on with my blogage =)

Recently, at my youth group, the topic of confession has been readily discussed. I began to wonder if all those acts of confession ever weigh on their conscience. They may not have done those sins, and yea those who committed them were sorry, but knowing all those peoples faults..I don't know, you'd think that'd get to a person eventually, you're not only keeping your faults in mind but others. Then again I could be wrong, maybe priests don't think of them at all because the sins are forgiven. I don't know, it's just something to ponder.

Today, I realized (again, as I do everyday) that all girls do.. is GOSSIP. I hate it. I try to stop it, or ignore it, but it's rather hard when it's about someone you know. For example: I have a "friend" whitney (she's a friend but we have our differences), and she has claimed she is pregnant. I never questioned her about it, but there was reason to doubt her because she claimed that before 2 other times. I figured it was true about the miscarriages or that she just wanted attention and either way I didn't care. The only objection I ever had was that she was sleeping around. Anyway, every girl at my table was complaining that whitney must be lying because blah blah blah, and how she's so stupid and how if she was pregnant she'd be stupid for wanting to be pregnant and how she doesn't look pregnant cuz blah blah. Why.. tell me WHY would it matter to them if it is not them? Why should they care what she does with her life if it is not effecting them, unless they are worried for her, which they clearly are not. I for one believe whitney. I see her everyday. I eat lunch with her, she walks different, she's gained weight, she has a due date, and she's switching schools because Holmes has a daycare. If she's lying then thats her own fault. I obviously hope she isn't lying but other than that I don't care, but it's not right to start putting down someone when you don't know facts. They question her ability as a mother.. blah blah it bugs me.

What really got me thinking of this was something a a fryer said while I was on a retreat. He said "last night I was praying for a girl, a young woman who has lost her way. She's troubled and needs help. You know who that young woman is? Britney Spears (at this remark there was faint laughter). Don't laugh, why do you laugh? She is a child of God. We are all children of God. She was not "crazy" before, I hate seeing what Hollywood and wealth has done to her. How badly fame can corrupt someone. Don't you all see that we are all children of God..." He continued on. His speech really struck me because it's true. We all start out good, it's society that gets to us. I for one have never liked gossip and I find it pointless to poke fun at someone you know nothing about, you don't know what they are going through no matter how close you are to them. So don't try to claim you do. We are all equal and can all go down the wrong path, we don't need extra baggage like rumors to burden us more.

yea thats my little tidbit. I need to go, otherwise I'll be dead at school lol.

goodnight