sigh.

blog from myspace:
It took me a while but I think those memories are slowly washing away. They were never encompassed in love but rather in amazement, kindness, and later deception. I thought I had finally found something, someone that I was connected with; something worth confiding in. I found that I was wrong and that I should just move on. I had a whimsical moment filled with wisdom in which i finally let go. I let go of those false feelings. I think I've let go of this beauty for good. Of couse I will always have an association, but never have what I wanted; needed. But that's alright now. I'm okay.

Off of that note, I feel like talking of myself. Not sure why.

When I'm troubled and seek out a place to contemplate, I do not lurk in my room, but rather (strangely) i crawl behind the table in the dining room and lay on the rug placed in front of the backdoor. I can focus my thoughts in peace, i feel more at ease than on an man-made furniture and I feel.. secluded. Since I was little, if i ever needed to "get away" this is where I'd go. For some reason, I am always passed by unnoticed when I lie in that spot.

If I am stressed I take runs/walks.. Nature has a calming effect like one cant imagine. Cold air can clear one's thoughts in a matter of seconds. These walks are more intimate at night, allowing you.. and only you their presence.

I tend to listen to sad music when upset, and depending on what I'm upset about I usually listen to music associated with what's making me upset. If anything it just makes the pain more real and I'm not quite sure why I do this, I guess to experience it all..

I always feel rushed except when I'm alone.

I need more time.

I need to improve myself a lot.

I hate make-up and you will not convince me to use it until I am completely accepting of myself and am sure that it will not be used as a crutch.


I have more to say but my intuitive mood has left me with a lethargic, "i dont wanna type or talk about myself mood".. lol so this was really random :\ have fun.
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Came here to post that but now i have another blog.
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"SIGH"

The loud click of the door followed by hard movements. A cold voice and hushed words. The silence, then the shift of weight followed by more cold words. Another petty fight. Another fraught of hurtful words. The tinge in the voice on the verge of crying.

My brother and his girlfriend always fight. I want them to be together forever but they get angered over such little things because they are both selfish (yet not), both lacking esteem, both jealous.. I'm not sure what this one is about but it seems my brothers girlfriend is mad that he talked on the phone....because he called a guy friend?

these fights are not seldom (well they actually haven't fought for a long time but the fights used to be regular) and rarely do they pertain to something worth fighting over. I can see both arguments and most of the time one person is EXTREMELY at fault while the other isn't at all, be it one overreacting or one doing something offending. I hate it. What's worse is HOW they argue. The things I've heard them say, are just horrible. HORRIBLE. The kinds of words that rip apart your soul. Those that you can't take back in an apology no matter how much you didn't mean them.

I hate hate hate hate hate arguments. So fierce.. so painful.

My brother is one who must make sure every little detail is precise. He's very analytical. Ex: He'll say something, and I say oh I know and he'll retort with you don't know that how could you have known that?

Its just how i respond sometimes.

Now his girlfriend, is a sweetheart but is incredibly in need of my brother. She needs to be around him ALL THE TIME and she is uber jealous. She will not tolerate the mention of his ex girlfriends.

They are now full on fighting. He just completely used every curse word possible. F F F F F between every word. I don't care what she did or how wrong, you do not use those words in an argument.

She didn't apologize sincerely, she still thinks she's right, he tried to prevent the fight apparently I heard him say it.. but then she apparently kept egging it on so he went out side and is currently screaming on the phone at the top of his lungs.

it makes me shudder.

I dont understand. I just DONT.

I definitely see WHY he's mad

but..

it's ridiculous.

Let it F'n go.

He's leaving the house now and I'm rather afraid of what's going to happen.

My brother has major MAJOR anger problems.

He just left the house in a matter of seconds.

I assume to confront her. Its freakin 3 days after christmas and he's already saying he hates her.

I hope to god he doesn't do something dumb or get hurt because when you're mad, you're not exactly alert. --I'll update later

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update...

everythings fine now, he didnt o anything wrong and since then they've fought like twice and i've come to realize its not all one sided, majority of their fights is actually brits fault--she seems to get mad much easier than my brother.. and now My mom and I have sat with him and figured out a way in which he can get around her way of fighting so that neither of them get mad-er lol... woo! and they havent fought since that lil counciling session.

hmmm holiday season

Now that Christmas has met its annual end, I feel as though I should write a blog.

This Christmas season felt extremely different from the last. I knew it would be different in some ways, simply because my family is now different. But the way in which is most differed from any other year was the lack of it's true meaning. I can honestly say this year I didn't focus on what Christmas is all about, not purposely mind you. I just was rushed because I had no time to shop because of school and work. But I did try to keep the ideals in mind. Especially when I heard friends bragging about their gifts. I'm happy that they got something nice, but it's not what the main focus of christmas is. I still have friends that go snooping under the tree and shaking boxes. I have friends who beg their parents to let them open their presents early. Not only that (and this is just my opinion/how I was raised) many of them got many expensive gifts yet still wanted more; My family isn't the exactly rich, but usually when we get our gifts there is one "expensive" gift and the rest are not as expensive. My friends seem to just want a bunch of high priced technology that will eventually outdate. Idk, like one of my friends got a ring with her birthstone, a laptop,the new ipod (not the itouch or w/e), 150 giftcard to mall, then about 6 more giftcards. On top of all that, she was disappointed that she didnt get a car. She hassels her grandparents about it, jokingly but she stil expects one. It bugs me because she's so lucky already. Idk it just bugs me, maybe it's because I dont get more expensive stuff? But i dont think thats it, I mean i do wish my family was better off, but I am in no need of technology to entertain myself. I just think that due to todays technology based society, all we want is more more more, especially this time of year when really we should just focus on the family, friends, and god. Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but some of it is just perks. It's good to have a few, but to want all of them is too much.

Now i'm just rambling. This blog isn't turning out how I wanted too....so I'm gonna stop writing this one. ..

The cruelity of a joke

So let me tell you about tonight. Okay, my whole day was out of sink... I screwed up a lot today.. but it got better. (btw this was written right when I got home so I apologize for any errors and for the whole "written as if i was talking/formal" paragraph style)

After work I went home and relaxed, then I was going to go out and buy my grandma her Christmas gift and Chrislee a gift (yea, It took me 3 days to shop, just in case you're reading Austin). Well I called Sam and Chrislee to let them know and Sam said i had a surprise at her house and to come over. I told them I'd be over in a little bit, so I left and went out to office depot and bout blank cd's (yes chrislee wanted blank cd's) then across the street to my work to say hello to my fellow employees who I saw an hour ago lol. I bought cookies (for Sam and Chrislee) and gum, then left to go to O'Charley's to buy a gift certificate.

When I was leaving I got a call from chrislee and she asked where I was at and I said leaving remke. Then a few minutes late I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. The text said: "Hey =)" I responded with hey, who's this? They replied with "I'm your stalker". I took this as a joke and cleverly responded with "oh i have tons of those so narrow it down for me please =)". Their response kinda creeped me out.. "ok, I know that you are 18 and your bday is 10 12 89 and you live on (insert my address here). " I replied by saying wrong address (they had number wrong).

At this point I was kinda creeped out but knew I had a few friends who it could be. They replied with "Im 48 yrs old and my names james and i know every thing about you =)" I still figured it was a joke so I said "yea sure, who is this" Then I got the message that scared me to death. "I watched you walk into biggs around 10:43 and you bought 2 pairs of pajamas" I hadn't told anyone where or what I bought last night, other than Sam and Chrislee because they were with me. I called Sam and chrislee picked up the phone. I asked if she or Sam had given out my number.

Chrislee said no and asked why and when I explained she was like "oh wow thats creepy" and I was like no it's not just creepy it's scary as hell. At this point I was shaking and at O'charleys walking inside. I then got another text sayin what my car was and what hangs from my mirror. I was shaking the whole time and was afraid to go back outside and I called sam and asked her if she recognized the number and she acted like she didnt even know about the texts.. which surprised me. Then when I was leaving they text me saying "are you single" and I freaked out and didn't respond.

a few minutes later I received a text saying "come on baby". Then I replied with "seriously who is this, is it Sean?" and they replied "no it's James baby boo". I was still suspicious but too freaked out to even care. I was paranoid and constantly on the look out. When I was driving towards Sam I got a text that said "you want to know something?" I freaked out and called Chrislee and told her to wait outside because I thought they might be behind me because the person behind me was using a cell at the time. Chrislee asked what car it was and stuff.. and I was half way crying.. and when I hung up I was so freaked out and was sobbing uncontrollably. I pulled up to Sam's. Chrislee came outside and said shuana was inside and that that was my surprise. I asked her if it was shuana who text me and she said no.

I went inside (shaking), went in sams room and shuana tried to hug me but i didn't let her. I had got a text saying it was a joke but they wouldn't say who it was, they wouldn't respond either. I gave chrislee her gift and sam just kinda said hi. We all talked and they all tried to convince me that it was a joke or that it had to be someone I knew that I told. But i kept telling them I didn't tell anyone. I text my youth group and my work to see if anyone gave my number out, and ended up having to tell everyone what happened. We ended up calling the number but all it did was go straight to voicemail.

Shuana and Chrislee stayed til 11, then left. Right after they left I got a text from the number that said "you're going to hate me when I tell you who this is" I was like god i just want to know who it is. Sam looked at me and was like uh. and I was like you know? and she said yes and said she's not supposed to tell. I asked her to and she said it was Shuana. I text Shuana and said, "Shuana" and she said "No" then replied and kept saying sorry and that it wasn't just her.

Sam went into full detail.

I'm glad Sam told me, and I'm less mad at her since really all she did was provide some details. (she also gave hints that it was shuana but i never caught on cuz i was so scared). I had almost not gone to Sam's and called the cops/cincy bell.

I'm just kinda hurt, I know it went to far and they didnt mean anything by it. But it bugs me that no one told me. Sam said she would've if she got me alone, she just didnt want to hurt shuana either since shuana asked her not to tell. In the least Sam should've text me. Chrislee didn't try at all. Not only was she on the phone with me when I cried, but she played along to, sam said she even wanted to lie about it. She also lied TO MY FACE about it being Shuana. She also had me call her when I left Sam's and (she didn't know I knew) didn't try to tell me whatsoever. Shuana should've told me instead of blaming john (my friend, she made it should like it could of been him). She should've told me instead of letting me rant and worry.

I'm just hurt but I know by tomorrow I'll be fine. It went way to far and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. That's not something you joke about, it's to common in society today. If you're gonna joke, then send like 2 texts and say you're kidding don't make a whole night of it.

Okay

Everything is okay (I'm sorry for my massively bi-polar blogs.) I think last week I fell into a temporary depression because of some of the past that had recently been brought up, that along with the stress of school, Christmas, work, family trouble, and some guy trouble too. I'm feeling great this week, or at least today I am! I think it's because today has been the first "STRESS FREE-NOTHING TO DO BUT DO WHAT I WANT" day, I've had in a long time. I finished all my school work except 1 thing, which isn't due til wednesday.

Anyway, on with my blogage =)

Recently, at my youth group, the topic of confession has been readily discussed. I began to wonder if all those acts of confession ever weigh on their conscience. They may not have done those sins, and yea those who committed them were sorry, but knowing all those peoples faults..I don't know, you'd think that'd get to a person eventually, you're not only keeping your faults in mind but others. Then again I could be wrong, maybe priests don't think of them at all because the sins are forgiven. I don't know, it's just something to ponder.

Today, I realized (again, as I do everyday) that all girls do.. is GOSSIP. I hate it. I try to stop it, or ignore it, but it's rather hard when it's about someone you know. For example: I have a "friend" whitney (she's a friend but we have our differences), and she has claimed she is pregnant. I never questioned her about it, but there was reason to doubt her because she claimed that before 2 other times. I figured it was true about the miscarriages or that she just wanted attention and either way I didn't care. The only objection I ever had was that she was sleeping around. Anyway, every girl at my table was complaining that whitney must be lying because blah blah blah, and how she's so stupid and how if she was pregnant she'd be stupid for wanting to be pregnant and how she doesn't look pregnant cuz blah blah. Why.. tell me WHY would it matter to them if it is not them? Why should they care what she does with her life if it is not effecting them, unless they are worried for her, which they clearly are not. I for one believe whitney. I see her everyday. I eat lunch with her, she walks different, she's gained weight, she has a due date, and she's switching schools because Holmes has a daycare. If she's lying then thats her own fault. I obviously hope she isn't lying but other than that I don't care, but it's not right to start putting down someone when you don't know facts. They question her ability as a mother.. blah blah it bugs me.

What really got me thinking of this was something a a fryer said while I was on a retreat. He said "last night I was praying for a girl, a young woman who has lost her way. She's troubled and needs help. You know who that young woman is? Britney Spears (at this remark there was faint laughter). Don't laugh, why do you laugh? She is a child of God. We are all children of God. She was not "crazy" before, I hate seeing what Hollywood and wealth has done to her. How badly fame can corrupt someone. Don't you all see that we are all children of God..." He continued on. His speech really struck me because it's true. We all start out good, it's society that gets to us. I for one have never liked gossip and I find it pointless to poke fun at someone you know nothing about, you don't know what they are going through no matter how close you are to them. So don't try to claim you do. We are all equal and can all go down the wrong path, we don't need extra baggage like rumors to burden us more.

yea thats my little tidbit. I need to go, otherwise I'll be dead at school lol.

goodnight

So..

I'm feeling as though my blogs are rather "Emo", I never really noticed how often I release my frustrations through Blog Sites. I like blogging much more than diaries, I get to chose who see's it and who doesn't..whereas anyone can just find my diaries and read them. Anyway.. I'm completely digressing off subject. I have some more emoness to disperse on my readers =)..

Why does life always throw the biggest rocks at you all at once? Struggles don't come one at a time, they come in multitudes unimaginable. Yea I know, it's an age old question, but I still feel the need to ask it. I just feel so overwhelmed right now, and half of what is overwhelming me, isn't even my own problems (i.e. friends problems or strangers problems that i feel concerned with). Everything always crashes down at once. I know many have it worse, I know everyone goes through this, and I know there is a reason for it...but still. Though things seem to be getting a bit better:
The kitchen light that feel is now, thankfully, up again without any need to rewire. Our plumbing is fixed, my brother has surpassed his hemorrhagic problems. Along with the good there is still other problems that arise:
Im sick
Brothers medical bills
Dad's side of family is falling apart
My neighbor --who recently lost her husband-- lost her dog
Sam Spade lost her life
2 of my friends have very sick grandparents
etc etc.
All of this is from late october- now.

I think everyone could use some prayers.

My senior year is nothing compared to my junior year. I sure hope it gets better.

On a happier note..its almost thanksgiving =) yay! then comes christmas =)

Why..

does it seem that I am the only one who thinks the way I do?? Seriously, I seem to be the only one out of anyone I know.. that doesn't get aggravated over such little things (i.e. a teacher telling you to be quiet). In fact i rarely get mad at all. I get upset but not really mad. Another thing I wonder.. is why, does it seem everyone is so judgemental? Like.. to me.. people are people.. I've never seen anyone as anything different.. along with that.. i see everyone as beautiful, be if physical, through action, or both.. While it seems my friends.. dont think that way. Now i can't say im not judgemental, because I am. Everyone is to some extent. But... i dont know, like a good example of what i was saying before would be when i was working, This young guy and and young girl came in (both around 19-25 in age) Well when they walked out, one of our baggers (referring to the couple) made the comment "I hate it when guys are too pretty for their girl friends", I found that disturbing.. For 1, everyone judges differently, to her the girl could be "ugly" (i DO NOT use that word i think it is pointless when describing a person, no one is ugly, we all see things differently) while to him she is beyond beautiful. Second, He's the one dating her, not our bagger. Third, the girl wasn't dressed up so she didnt see her full potential, though i thought she was really pretty and they made a cute couple. I think that comment was made out of jealously since she thought the guy was attractive. I (out of 4 people) was the only one to feel this way. lol I just see no point in judging someones attractiveness when it is of no use or matter to you.
eh.. any opinions?

Hmm

you ever felt kinda like... your friends love you but.. if given a choice between you and someone else, you would be the discarded friend.

I'm not sure if its just me being insecure or what it is. There's this problem i have with my two BFF's that i hang with a lot. One is extremely.. EXTREMELY..spoiled, we'll call her "R" and can be rather selfish and likes to hog our BFF..er we'll call her "G" lol--no the letters have nothing to do with the names-- and im not one to care about that cuz like.. who cares who spends more time with who. but R cares.. if i hang out with G one on one, R gets mad. Then G gives in to R because she doesn't want to risk their friendship and knows i wont get mad.

Along with that.. they always complain how i dont see them.. or atleast G complains.. then when im off... they never hang out with me unless it is going to benefit them.

Now dont get me wrong, i love them, but i truly feel like because im so easy going, they dont think twice about hurting my feelings. I feel like im only around to drive them places. It really hurts me and i know if i mentioned this they'd say im crazy and would be kinda hurt. But its true, i make plans with them and they avoid them... they make plans with me.. when it involves driving .. or a way in which im semi left out. It's never anything that i want to do. I dont want to come off like im needy or selfish. its just i dont see why i am ALWAYS the one pushed around. I dont see how my BFFs can do that to me anyway..

I dont know maybe i'm just seeing it like that.. Maybe it's just because i've had it happen plenty of times before. But whatever it is.. it needs to be fixed...

I believe the biggest problem is R.. but i dont know and i dont want to place all the blame on her. It's everyones fault. Mine for letting it happen, G for not speaking her opinion, R for being selfish..

Idk.. they arent the only ones that do it either but it bugs me the most coming from them. blahhh any way.. i have ANOTHER blog to write..

Life & all that Shiz..

SO.. I've been meaning to write this blog forever. but i just haven't, i've been so rushed and so worried and so busy in my life. I turned 18 today, and my grandma pat gave me the advice to take life slowly and enjoy all of it. and i intend to do that, which is why i am writing this blog, i felt like i never had time. but heck i have my whole life. i have plenty of time.

so i guess this is where i rant... then i'll gradually transcend into my wisdom part of the blog..
Life has been so hectic.. College is really freaking me out. I've had my college picked since 7th grade and i'm not sure if i'll be able to go to it. I also am worried about missing my friends since majority are staying local to florence while i'll be 2 hours away at morehead. I also am having second guesses in veterinarian medicine. THATS NEVER HAPPENED TIL NOW. i think its because im not sure if i can stomach it anymore.

besides all the college stuff i've had trouble with guys: is it really that hard to get a guy? maybe i'm just picky. yes there are guys that like me but never the ones I LIKE. It's not that i wont give them a chance, its more that i really am terribly freaked out by most of them lol. Heck i'd be content if i just had a closer guy friend who i could hang with more or something but i cant even get that.

Also there is this kid dustin in my class who is just a horrible person. I really do not like being near him. he's funny but he belittles people so much. It's like middle school all over again. He has made fun of me so much im at a breaking point. And to be quiet honest he hasnt REALLY made fun of me alot but he's said a few things that kinda sting and its just something i cant take after what i went through at RA. I find it so childish to demoralize someone like he does. Seriously, have respect for one another goodness.

Finally, i've had family problems. lots of them. stuff i'd rather not discuss unless i'm asked personally. i've only told 2 of my friends.. and i have 2 more i need to inform and.. idk. i'd like to discuss it with my youth group but.. idk its just something you can just throw out there.. i could use some prayers....

So.. on wednesday we were having our little praise and worship session, which i love, alot. everything about POW/YK/St. Paul youth group is lovable.. anyway, between songs usually someone one (more often nate) says some little wisdom filled/inspiring/kind/faithfilled thingy.. lol (ex: james once said for all of us to sing loud, when someone who is terrible at singing sings alone.. its no good, but if everyone joins together, the good, the bad, it always sounds beautiful. we aren't meant to sing alone, we're meant to sing together.) anyway well that night, john said something that i felt very true, in fact i've always just wanted to tell all of them that because its exactly how i feel. In his little speech he basically said that when we are here (at the youth group) it's one of those few places we can express our faith. we are with people who all love god and we all accept one another. we're all family, and that if anyone ever needs to talk, we'll listen. and if we cant talk to one another we can talk to god.

i loved it. it was something i've always wanted to tell everyone there because.. i really feel like they are the only people who dont judge me and that are so beautiful in their faith. i love them all. no matter if im close to them or not i know they'll always listen to me. They all are so important to me, whether they know it or not. Leaving them is one of the things i fear most about college, im almost willing to stay up here just so i can be around them. they're who made me who i am today. they help get me past my troubles and start anew. i owe alot of myself to them and god.

i had more to say.. but i just came back from picking up my brother (while in middle of typing this) and now i am at a loss of words.

i'd like to end this with a prayer request for my brother who has some unknow.. disease or something that hes gotta get checked out. For my friends cousin who is having seizures. For sam who had to go to hospital last week. For my friends grandpa. And for my family.

Blah blah blah

This is a nifty color..

anyway..

why does everything suddenly feel so rushed. I feel like i dont have any time to just sit around, even though that is what i am currently doing.
I feel like i constantly have a task that needs to be done...
so many things unfinished..

none of my goals have been met for this summer...

I feel like im rushed for school... senior year is freaking me out..
I feel rushed in relationships...cuz everyone else is in one BUT me (or it seems that way)
I feel rushed in my home life.. because of all the drama it currently encompasses..

its crazy.. we need more time in the day.. or atleast less things to worry about... make life simple again..

i wanna go back to the yester-years of my childhood.

innocence & bubbles... whatever happened to that?

Megan Mcbrides Father

Megan Mcbride was my small group leader at a retreat in maria stein ohion, earlier this year. She has been through alot and its an amazing person. Earlier this year her grandfather passed away due to cancer. IT was a struggle for her family but they pulled through.

Last week Megans Father went out on his motorcycle and crashed, he didnt have a helmet on and got tore up pretty badly. He has been in ICU since then. He had to be put into an Induced Coma, hes brain was bleeding internally and it was also affecting his nerves in his right side of the body. But he has been improving and is being taken off less meds. So yea Anyone who is reading this, I'd just like them to pray for him and the rest of Megans family =)

thats all for this blog... More like an FYI